Pledge Family Divorce Leaves Freshman Girl Lost

11 Mar
Time to break out the Ben and Jerry's and Josh Groban.

Time to break out the Ben and Jerry’s and Josh Groban.

EVANSTON –A TriDelt freshman has been lashing out recently due to the recent separation of her pledge parents. According to sources who wish to remain anonymous because of the sensitive nature of the matter, the freshman was last seen bawling outside the Keg last Saturday night. After an interview, sources discovered that the sororotastic freshman had seven DFMO’s that night in order to fill the void of her own absent father.

“I was fine until I saw my best friend hooking up with her own dad,” reported the girl, through stifled tears. “Then I began to see what I was missing.”

According to her mom, the divorce was inevitable. First the pledge father hooked up with the freshman’s grandma, and then the bro punched her great grandpa in the face after a heated argument over whether to order Papa John’s or Sarpinos after the Deuce. It was when the estranged father decided to take another girl to formal that everything was pushed over the edge.

“Its not that I wanted to hook up with him, pledge marriages are obviously PLATONIC, but like I thought that’s what a husband was for, to take you to their formals,” she said between uncontrollable fits of weeping.

The young girl is having trouble coping with these traumatic events, claiming to suddenly realize that there’s, like, this whole new side of her she didn’t even know. After only being in the family a few weeks, the separation appears too burdensome to handle.

During pledge mom week, the girl received fewer gifts, and her single mother was reportedly unable to make ends meet to shower the Little with as much attention as some girls received. “I didn’t get a neon flat brim with our letters OR a sticker for my laptop,” complained the grief-ridden girl. “Do you know how hard it is to be the only girl in your pledge class without a neon snapback?”

The young girl and mother are struggling through the process of healing. While the recently-separated father refused to comment, rumors continue to circulate that he has already tied the knot with a girl who recently divorced her own spouse after the brother lost his job as a full-time Sig Nu douchefratlord.

-Topanga Pelvison

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