How to Avoid the In-Class Creeper

13 Mar
Want to come back to my place and finish our discussion on Freudian Theory?

Want to come back to my place and finish our discussion on Freudian Theory?

Recently, I was at a party with my gals dancing the night away, celebrating being done with yet another quarter of my godforsaken Spanish class, when a sweaty guy from my class came up to me and started a conversation. It went as so:

Boy: Ammonia$ta?! [puts an arm around my shoulder and drunkenly leans on me] Totally didn’t recognize you! You’re like, actually attractive!

A$: Uh…thanks?

Boy: Yeah like…how come you don’t come to class looking like this? Totally would have hit on you.

A$: Oh uh… [trying to get out from under his arm without making him fall over] I’m just lazy I guess.”

Boy: [Laughs because he thinks I was joking and walks away]

Feeling offended and flattered at the same time, I turn back to my friends. My bestie, Ceyoncé, puts her hand on my shoulder and looks directly in my eyes. I know a serious question is coming and I brace myself.

C: A-Na$ty, [that’s what my friends call me] you HAVE to teach me your ways.

A$: What do you mean?

C: Well you’ve already given great advice about avoiding creepers at parties, [this is true] so you must have been trying to avoid creepers in class too. I get hit on by so many guys in my classes and it’s just so annoying!

She speaks in that tone that says ‘I’m trying to seem deserving of your sympathy but really I’m bragging.’

C: How do I stop them?!?? I’ve tried the Jenna Marbles face and sometimes that doesn’t even work!

I laugh to myself as I realize she thinks my “I just don’t give a fuck” class attire is just a ploy to avoid the in-class Creepers, but in reality that’s just how I like to go to class. If you’re like Ceyoncé and have been looking for ways to avoid those guys who come up to you after class asking if you “want to exchange notes over Norbucks” or who want to “get together for a study session this weekend,” look no further. My actual, every day self can be your very own example. Here is your step-by-step guide to avoid the in-class Creeper:

1. Only own two pairs of sweatpants.
You may be wondering why this is relevant. It will make more sense in the following steps.

2. Only wear sweatpants to class.
Honestly, jeans just make it look like you actually kind of care about your appearance. Guys WANT girls who care about their appearance because they are more likely to look hot, and therefore they will want to hook up with you so they can brag to their friends about you. Don’t even get me started on dresses. You’re just asking for it at that point.

Another note: Leggings are okay as long as you only wear a supersized crewneck sweater (better known as a noodie) with leftovers from last nights queso binge dripped on the front, or a t-shirt with a reference to some band that no one else listens to that makes you look dumb (like a shirt that has “Konfusion” written on it).

3. Do laundry like…once a quarter.
This way your two pairs of sweatpants that you switch off days wearing will get a nice layer of filth and crumbs on them. Not to mention a nice earthy smell.

4. Go to the gym the night before your class.
Going to the gym may seem counter-intuitive, but let me tell you why this step is imperative. When you go to the gym, the typical thing to do is work out. When you work out, the typical thing to do is get sweaty. When you come back from the gym late at night, the typical thing to do is shower. Well now, you’re not going to shower. You’re going to binge on some peanut butter, scroll through tumblr (or imgur, if you’re one of THOSE) for like 3 hours and then go to bed in your sweaty clothes, making sure you…

5. Forget to set an alarm that will wake you up at a reasonable amount of time before class.
Now you have no time to shower. Good. You probably don’t have much time to change your clothes either. Even better. Grab last night’s Joy Yee’s take out and make your way to class. You will look greasy and disgusting and no one will want to talk to you, let alone sit near you, as you waltz into class with noodles hanging out of your mouth.

Repeat steps 1-5 for the entire quarter. Congrats, you have successfully convinced everyone that you are an unattractive scum of the earth that isn’t worth talking to. Pat yourself on the back and cry yourself to sleep as you spend the next 4 years of your life alone in your dorm/apartment re-watching every episode of Boy Meets World.


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3 Responses to “How to Avoid the In-Class Creeper”

  1. A March 13, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

    Oh my god this is my life exactly, who is this writer


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