“Do not want.” – Phil Jackson
EVANSTON- Phil Jackson issued a statement Thursday night saying “in the strongest possible terms” that the legendary former Chicago Bulls and Los Angeles Lakers coach has “absolutely no interest” in becoming Northwestern’s next men’s basketball coach.
The move comes amid speculation that current head coach Bill Carmody will be fired following a 13-19 season.
“To all those who have called, tweeted, written, shouted, pounded on my door in the middle of the night, sent notes on rocks through my window, or burned ‘#B1GCATS’ into my lawn to encourage me to coach Northwestern, I just want to say this: Eat all of the shit you can find. Then die,” the Zen Master said in the statement.
Jackson was reportedly at the top of NU Athletic Director Jim Phillips’ shortlist for potential coaching candidates and Phillips confirmed a week into the 2012-2013 season that he would begin bribing Jackson’s friends to namedrop NU in their conversations with him. A few weeks after this, he reportedly began doubling pay for those who mentioned Northwestern without saying “fuck-saw” or “soul-draining.”
The statement was highly unusual for the generally calm coach, with Jackson using the phrase “I would rather eat my own testicles” on six occasions.
“There are a lot of things I would never want to do,” Jackson wrote. “Bathing in acid, for instance. Or asking Lena Dunham about what her favorite 15 minutes in The Vagina Monologues is. Coaching at Northwestern is another one of those things.”
Attempts to reach Jackson for additional comment were unsuccessful, but a private number did text us “8===>~~~ NU” after we called Jackson’s cell phone.
Sherman Ave 
A play in 1 act.
Title. The Seventy –Five Year Itch.
Time: The near future, in a reality where Bill Carmody’s contract has not been renewed as the Northwestern Basketball coach after 13 seasons.
Place: President Morton Schapiro’s office at Northwestern University
The Scene: Dr Jim Phillips, Vice President for Athletics and Recreation and Dr Morton Schapiro are seated in fine leather wingback chairs in a cozy corner of the well appointed office. Millie, Dr Schapiro’s trusted secretary, has just placed a tray of coffee and light snacks on the table between the two gentlemen.
Curtain up.
Millie. Anything else I can get for you gentlemen.
Dr Schapiro. No Millie. That will be all. See that we are not disturbed. We have some important business to attend to.
Millie. As you wish.
Dr Schapiro. Well Jim, it’s time we thought about a new basketball coach.
Dr Phillips. Right Morty. I just finished selecting the window treatments for the football coach’s offices in our grand new proposed lakeside athletic facility, so I can turn my full attention to selecting the new baseball coach.
Dr Schapiro. Basketball coach Jim.
Dr Phillips. Oh yeah. Right. Basketball…
Dr Schapiro. I think we need to discuss the qualities and characteristics of the kind of man we want for the job.
Dr Phillips. Good idea. I’m listening.
Dr Schapiro. Bill Carmody was next to last in the Big Ten in salary and we want to maintain that level of commitment. After all we are a small school, centered on academics and research. We cannot go hog wild trying to attract the perfect coach.
Dr Phillips. So we want someone who will work cheap?
Dr Schapiro. Correct, and with low expectations on facilities. Can’t be someone insisting on the kind of state of the art facilities we are proposing for the football team and every other sport. We can only do so much.
Dr Phillips. What about won loss record.
Dr Schapiro. I’ve been thinking about that. If we shoot for around .500, we can probably keep the salary in that lower range.
Dr Phillips. You know Morty, most of our alumni like that we set high academic standards for our student athletes. It’s a point of pride. But how do we get a coach to buy into this system.
Dr Schapiro. I’ve been thinking about that too Jim. I think we go after a guy with experience in the Ivy League. They are more in tune with that philosophy of academics first. Maybe some head coaching experience in the Big Ten or similar conference.
Dr Phillips. Sounds good. Speaking of the Big Ten , what a conference this year. Almost a 4 way tie for first, and the 5th place team was number one in the nation at one time.
Dr Schapiro. Yeah, Carmody hit a buzz saw of a schedule this year – and with a team of walking wounded.
Dr Phillips. Yeah, gutsy kids, and they all seemed to like Bill.
Dr Schapiro. Carmody was a likable guy, and he’s a great coach. And more importantly, he’s a gentleman. You know I appreciate that in a coach. I want someone who will represent the university in a first class manner, even though were going to pay him a second rate salary , and provide third rate facilities.
Dr Phillips. That’s right. We don’t need a coach embarrassing Northwestern with outlandish behavior like that clown O’Neill that coached here before Carmody? He was a piece of work. Or Bobby Petrino at Arkansas. Or even that bore, Tom Crean, after Indiana beat Michigan.
Dr Schapiro. Yeah, what was that all about? Crean can’t even win with grace! He’s like Bobby Knight but without the charm.
Dr Phillips. Good one Morty!. What about NCAA tournament experience. After all that’s where we’ve never been. We’ve got to get that “monkey off our back” – to quote Fitz.
Dr Schapiro. Maybe we get someone who has been there before, but not for a very long time. They will be hungrier for it.
Dr Phillips. Agreed. And loyalty is important too, isn’t it Morty. We don’t want someone looking at us as a stepping stone. Like the basketball equivalent of Lane Kiffin.
Dr Schapiro. Right Jim. We want someone who will stick by us through thick and thin. After all, we are not going to get many future professional players here, so there will be some lean years.
Dr Phillips. You know I coached a little basketball myself years ago, Morty. What we need is a guy with a system. A system that features speed, maneuver, & ball handling over overwhelming size and strength.
Dr Schapiro. To play to the strength of our smaller and smarter players you mean.
Dr Phillips. Exactly. I wonder…..
Dr Schapiro. Well Jim , I guess that’s it. We both know what we have to do, don’t we Jim?
Dr Phillips. Right Morty. I don’t see any other way.
Dr Schapiro. So we’re in agreement?
Dr Phillips. We have no choice.
Dr Schapiro. Let me get Millie on the intercom. Millie!
Millie. (Yes Dr. Schapiro. )
Dr Schapiro. Millie, would you please get Bill Carmody on the line- I want to offer him a job! And bring Dr Phillips and me another tray of snickerdoodles.
Millie. (With pleasure sir).
The end