Pope Francis I: “New Church Album Will Rock”

15 Mar
A shirtless Pope Francis, on tour supporting his album White Smoke Rising.

A shirtless Pope Francis, on tour supporting his album White Smoke Rising.

VATICAN — The recently elected Pope Francis I announced that the Catholic Church’s forthcoming album will have “more of a New Testament element.”

The heavyweights of Christ’s gospel and godfathers of the Christian genre are looking to release tracks later this year, but will not deviate far from the mantra that made them one of the millennia’s most followed acts.

Luis Antonio Tagle, the Archibishop of Manila and synth player in the Church, said, “When we were working on Benedict XVI, we got caught up in a lot of great experimental stuff.  It was a much softer period.  Our next papacy is going to be good and it’s going to sound great when played loud!”

“Don’t expect to see a Twitter this time around,” Tagle added.

Benedict XVI, who left the Church for personal reasons, commented on his departure, “I feel like I did my part to push the group to try out a new sound.  The guys and I thought we had a good run and now I can focus on my grindcore solo project, Metal Hawk.”

The Church, which is known for it’s rotating lineup, is seeing some young blood with Pope Francis I taking over as lead vocals.  Francis is known for his insistence on technical precision, driving bass lines, and his incredible vocal range in Latin, most notably featured on last Summer’s smash-hit White Smoke Rising.

“Benedict XVI was sort of great in a lot of ways,” commented Pope Francis, “We’ve got a lot of material for the next album, Photograph, so we’re not rushing it.  I think people are frothing at the mouth when they hear what’s coming up.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up being a double LP, like Foo Fighters’ In Your Honor.”

“We’re calling it Photograph because it’s a window into who we are, who we were, and what we’re about,” Francis explained, “Plus, a bunch of us guys are huge Nickelback fans.”

Members of the Church are currently planning a three night concert series to test our their songs in development in their hometown of the Vatican.

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