The Top 20 Ways to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day at the Library

17 Mar
Follow this list until the Catholic guilt is too much to handle.

Follow this list until the Catholic guilt is too much to handle.

1. Read an article about religious sectarian violence on JSTOR
Curse like an Irishman every time Northwestern logs you out.

2. Do an Econometrics problem set
Congratulations! You’re receiving the education that eluded the 1/8th of your ancestors who endured brutal ethnocentrism in the streets of America!

3. Work on your 25-page paper you should have started in mid-February for your research seminar, “Gender and Sexuality during the Irish Potato Famine”
It’s only a matter of time until “Irish Studies” becomes an official major.

4. Drink Guinness in the Stacks while quietly weeping
Disclaimer: This isn’t authentically Irish, because you’re probably crying about your finals-induced stress, not your inability to support your 14 Catholic children as a ditchdigger.

5. Catch up with all of your other friends trapped in the Info Commons
Like grocery stores and casinos, the Info Commons is designed for minimal contact with the outside world and sunlight. Also like grocery stores and casinos, the hunched old people look horrifyingly sad.  Fun fact:  They’re also all designed so you can’t get out.

6. Avoid studying by spending four and a half hours creating the perfect “St. Paddy’s Day Study Playlist”
Consisting exclusively of Flogging Molly, U2, Dropkick Murphy’s, and…Biggie Smalls.

7. Dye your coffee green
It’s not like green coffee could be any more disgusting than what the library cafe currently serves.  As a matter of fact, neither would warmed-over green smegma.

8. Command library patrons to “Kiss Me, I’m Irish”
Chances are this tactic will prove about as successful as your usual method of commanding women to “Kiss me, I’m pre-med and will be hella-rich in about seven to ten years.”

9. Unleash a Blarney Stone in the 4th floor bathroom
We’ll be impressed if you can still make out the distinctive shape of corned beef and hash.

10.  Give a forced nod to Kilt Boy
Or don’t.  It’s whatever.

11. Check up on your friends who go to Notre Dame
Remember just how prickish they all are.

12.  Go to the nearest McDonald’s and order a barrel of Shamrock Shake
Add peppermint schnapps and tears to taste.

13.  Refrain from openly laughing in the faces of gingers you’ve never met
Today’s all they have. Unless you count all those used wigs from their Irish dancing years.

14.  Listen to bagpipe music
As long as you are isolated enough that no human, plant, or bacterium will be subjected to the unpleasant screeches.

15.  Play one of many St. Patty’s Day drinking games.
Example:  Taking a shot for every Irish Prime Minister you can’t name.  Or introducing yourself as Michael Collins and taking a shot every time someone knows who that is.  These games should also lead to another popular Irish past-time: Hurling.

16. Borrow money from your friends. Don’t pay them back.
When everybody blames you for dicking up the economy with your sovereign debt, claim that you were far too drunk to remember what you did or did not do in the Eurozone last night.

17.  Make this your cover photo
Also your LinkedIn photo.

18.  Track down the star from Disney Channel’s Luck of the Irish
Finally get around to punching him in the balls.

19. Bomb Parliament
Because the rent is too damn high.

20.  On impulse, get the Lucky Charms leprechaun tattooed on your lower back  
Bonus points if you tattoo your asscrack to appear like a rainbow so it looks like the poor bastard finally made it.

Ross Packingham and Evander Jones

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