Professor Admits He Sort of Winged the Final

25 Mar
Added Buckley, "Fuck this."

Added Buckley, “Fuck this.”

EVANSTON — Northwestern Astronomy associate lecturer Allen Buckley revealed to a group of TAs that he made up most of the information on this quarter’s Modern Cosmology final.

Buckley, who taught the Astronomy class, had failed to do any preparation for Friday’s final until Thursday night, citing that he was drunk most of reading week in addition to already knows how to write the fuck out of an astronomy final.

“My class notes made no sense. I have more information on a Tycho Brahe’s bladder exploding than I do on dark energy, so I opened up the book from the assigned chapters and I was, like, what the hell is this?” said Buckley, “I thought it had to be a joke. I was up all night pounding Red Bulls trying to write the final.”

Added Buckley, “And, all these damn Theatre professors were posting up photos of them mad drunk in San Diego.”

In an act of desperation, Buckley was able to score notes from a professor who taught the class a few years ago, which was “totally clutch” because he accidently spent a few hours on Buzzfeed Animals. Sometime around 6am, he resorted to opening the book randomly and began making up questions. ”I definitely put something about the formation of Yemen in one of the multiple choice questions,” claims Buckley.

Early reports on grade results show an extreme drop in the year-to-year grade average. Students scored particularly low in short essay section in which all answers were lines from either Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’ “Thrift Shop” or Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.”

“I’m just glad winter quarter is finally dead,” announced Buckley shortly before he left for a Tech bathroom to shotgun a beer and declaring that he intends on changing his field to Art History.

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