A Guide to Starting a Relationship

26 Mar


It finally happened. Somehow between going to classes, working, the pile of homework that never seems to get any smaller*, and drinking your sorrows away, you actually met somebody. Sure it was just some casual flirting at a party, but you guys definitely made a real connection. Like when you smiled and he took a sip of his beer while frantically looking around the room for his friends, the chemistry was so strong the whole room must have felt it. You even managed to get his number. But wait…the closest thing you’ve had to a date since high school was over the summer when you went home and had that slumber party with your dog. You know sweat pants aren’t “acceptable date clothes,” but what do “normal” people wear when they leave the house? How do you handle this? Don’t worry. I have plenty** of experience on the subject and have put together some answers to these FAQ’s:

When is it acceptable to follow them on Twitter/add them on Facebook?

For starters, don’t do anything until you’ve stalked them enough that you’ve memorized their limited profile and need more material. In the mean time, make sure you don’t accidentally like a picture or send them a friend request. (You already liked all 12 of his cover photos? How was that an accident? I told you not to drunkenly stalk him. No, don’t unlike them that will just make it more awkward. You already did? OK just send the friend request then…)

How many is too many texts?

Avoid double texting at all costs. That means if he hasn’t responded to your last text, do not send another. And under no circumstances should you triple text. I repeat, NEVER. TRIPLE. TEXT. This goes for Facebook messages and e-mails, too. You do not want another restraining order. However; while there is a limit on the number of texts you can send, there is no limit on the number of smiley faces you can use. Remember: bitches love the smiley face.

Speaking of smiley faces, what does that one mean?

Those semicolons followed by parenthesis are pretty goddamn confusing. But I’ve found that these three smileys are the most common, and I’m pretty sure this is what they mean:

: ) means “I am happy.”

: ( means “I am sad.”

; ) means “I want to get in your pants.”

How do I know if he’s really interested?

Let’s be honest, the opposite sex is more confusing than Mitt Romney’s economic plan. Sending a text that says, “I’m bored, wanna have sex?” might freak them out a little***. And you can’t just ask them how they feel. The only way to know for sure is to send a cryptic message that could be taken as flirting but just in case they don’t feel the same way you can say you were joking. Then wait to see how they respond (probably with a cryptic message).

How many dates until we get to second base?

Woah, slow down buddy. You haven’t even been on one date. Let’s make sure that one goes well before you start taking your pants off.

The first few dates weren’t a disaster, so when does it become an “official” relationship?

Saying it isn’t official until it’s Facebook official is lame. Even though you’re reading Sherman Ave and spend at least 7 hours a day on the internet or checking your phone, your life does NOT revolve around social media. The relationship is official when you say it is (but you should probably get your significant other’s approval before you make it Facebook official).

*Two midterms, a case study, and half of a senior design project due within three days of each other? REALLY?

**Minimal. Almost none in fact.

***By freak them out a little I mean you’ll never hear from them again. How do I know? Just trust me on this one…

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