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Keg Week 2013: The Top 10 Most Heinous Yelp Reviews for The Keg of Evanston

3 Apr

According to the online directory yelp.com, the Keg of Evanston is great for a late night and horrible for children without anything that resembles proper identification. For Sherman Ave’s ongoing celebration of Keg Week, we found the top ten yelp reviewers heinous enough to devote ten minutes of their lives to informing the greater Chicagoland area about TKOE.

10. Keg Dinner for Two
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I’ve been shut out the past two times I tried to get dinner at the Keg, and this woman who looks old enough to remember when Evanston was dry is able to enjoy a meal there that cost as much as a night at Chili’s and probably tasted like a night at Joliet Correctional Center? Fate is as fickle as a co-ed on a stripper pole.

9. Nothing but the Truth
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Too bad Tal R. confused Chet Haze for a New Trier dude.

8. ASIAN GIRL
Maybe (asian girl)
Having eaten breakfast at Plex — which must be comparable to most high-end strip club breakfast buffets — I can really identify with Isaac C. Besides, most times when I scream “ASIAN GIRL,” they either mace me or shout back “HONKY BRO.” Incidentally, how much does a cab ride cost to get from The Keg to Deering?

7. Punmaster Flash
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Oh come on. What good is a bar if there isn’t one good bout of episodic violence? While Cancun certainly isn’t the first tropical location that comes to mind when I think of TKOE, several other Colombian bordellos certainly do.

Seriously though, people from Wisconsin are the wurst.

6. Celebrity Sighting
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Oh wait, just kidding. Kyle Orton doesn’t count as a real Bears player.

5. Tyler Perry Presents: Madea Hops the Fence!
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Also like Tyler Perry, The Keg made an economic windfall without anybody really enjoying the experience.

4. That One Guy Who Spent More Time on his Yelp Review Than on Considering His Life Choices
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But seriously, the only people who spill this many words over The Keg are either Sherman Ave writers or sociology majors (Fun Fact: Both have very little hope of career advancement). If I was reviewing John D.’s review, I’d take off one star for use of the phrase “G-Unit dance party,” but give an additional star for the Star Wars reference and endearing loyalty.

Although if we can now take stars away from people for bad shooting, then I hereby remove 506 stars from the City of Chicago for 2012’s homicide rate and 8 stars from Marquette’s basketball team.

3. Underage Drinking Bar
Maybe (high school)
WHAT!? I thought I was just helping all of those high schoolers earn college credit for their AP class in Foreign Tongues! That does explain why that one girl wouldn’t let me come back with her because she lived with somebody “who was a total domineering bitch that needs to stop controlling every single little aspect of my life just so she can vicariously live through me and forget her failed marriage and let me sleep over at Jimmy’s with all my friends for prom ugh.”

2. It’s Brittney B*tch
Maybe (friends basement)
Oh, sorry, that must have been me that threw up in the corner of your basement by mistake then. Tell your friend to consider putting up a fence guarded by a smattering of police and homeless men next time.

1. Preach Sandeep
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Thanks for making that joke so I don’t have to.

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One Response to “Keg Week 2013: The Top 10 Most Heinous Yelp Reviews for The Keg of Evanston”

  1. Anonymous April 3, 2013 at 4:03 pm #

    “Having ate breakfast at Plex”? Yikes.

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