Roger Ebert Awards Heaven 3 1/2 Stars

4 Apr
Ebert, announcing his upcoming show "Ebert Presents: At the Afterlife"

Ebert, announcing his upcoming show “Ebert Presents: At the Afterlife”

PEARLY GATES — Immediately upon ascending to heaven following his death at the age of 70, esteemed film critic Roger Ebert issued a review of the afterlife, awarding metaphysical transcendence from the earthly realm 3 and a half out of four stars.

Ebert, one of the nation’s most prominent and influential reviewers of film for over 40 years, praised heaven in his nationally syndicated Chicago Sun-Times review as a “divine paradise” that “was of the utmost quality and well-suited for its prospective audience. I would highly recommend spiritual nirvana to any potential heaven-goer considering stopping in for a good time.”

Ebert further lauded the rapturous reward of divine love, peace, and reconciliation for its “stunning cinematography” and “all-star ensemble cast.” According to the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, the celestial skies “were breathtakingly beautiful throughout the kingdom of heaven,” while major cast members like “veterans Jesus, Michael the Archangel, and Saint John were deeply compelling figures,” who along with relative newcomers “Whitney Houston and Steve Jobs all totally killed it.”

While Ebert’s review was generally enthusiastic regarding eternal life in paradise among the resurrected, the critic did admit that a few drawbacks in heaven’s presentation lost the divine afterlife half a star.

“To be honest, the ending was a little predictable,” admitted Ebert. “And the soundtrack wore pretty thin after awhile. I mean, I can only take so much harp music interspersed with Relient K’s top hits.”

In general, however, Ebert expressed relief in ascending to God’s Kingdom of Heaven. “It was a little touch-and-go there for awhile,” recalled Ebert regarding his divine ascent. “Saint Peter was very concerned with my review of The Da Vinci Code. He also seemed pretty pissed that I gave The Godfather Part III half a star more than The Godfather Part II.”

“But you know what?” added Ebert. “You only live once!”

Although Ebert has not yet announced what course his career will take now that he has achieved ultimate joy and fulfillment, the film critic has enough to keep him busy in God’s paradise.

“Oh man, this place is great,” said Ebert. “Tonight, I’m going to light up a fat one with Siskell and watch La Vita Dolce on Matthew the Apostle’s kickass flatscreen. Who knows after that. All I’ve got to wait for is the Second Coming. Or for that dick Richard Roeper to burn in hell.”

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