ASG Concerned About What Students Want for First Time in 12 Months

The three circles represent interlocking constituencies of ineffectiveness.

EVANSTON–In a surprising turn of events, the Northwestern Associated Student Government–the same organization who brought you great ideas like the “Let’s Get A Willie the Wildcat Statue” Initiative and the “Hey Guys, Remember That One Time We Actually Did Something?” campaign–has now developed a sense of concern and regard for the opinions of the Northwestern student body.

This roundabout represents a quick change in heart for ASG which, as recently as several weeks ago, told the Northwestern student body that only five-thousand dollars of the 10K initiative could go towards projects the students cared about because “Nobody cares about you! That’s why.”

Members of ASG have even started taking extreme measures to demonstrate their receptiveness to the concerns of the student population, such as actually asking students what they care about and trying to find ways to address their problems, in order to demonstrate how much they’ll care about student opinion for the next two weeks. An anonymous ASG leader elaborated, “It’s time for Northwestern’s voice to be heard! Did I think it was time last quarter? No. Do I think it will be time after April 19th? No. But it’s time now! It’s time for a difference to be made. Kind of.”

Such actions on the part of candidates have gained the attention of the student body, which has responded with overwhelming endorsements for various campaigners, including Facebook statuses proclaiming “Go David and Jo” and “I like Bennison’s Bakery.”

Out of all of this action and initiative, one thing is certain: someone will be elected ASG president, someone else will be elected ASG Vice-President, and everyone, including ASG, will be happy to stop pretending to care about ASG.