How To Announce That You’re Awesome: The Code of Conduct for self-promotion of job/internship/higher education acceptance

14 Apr
Fuck Yale.

Fuck Yale.

My mom asks me, every fortnight or so, what I’m doing next fall. Of course, she knows what I know, which is that I don’t know. She asks anyway. Everyone asks all the time if I know what I’m doing next fall. Isn’t it enough that I’m about to graduate? No. It’s never enough. Doing the college is never enough.

But everyone else seems to have something to do, and it’s that time of year when everyone is announcing to everyone else that they’re just so talented that they’ve managed to secure that job or internship that had really long odds. Like, a Midwesterner-getting-into-Yale long odds. Fuck Yale.

Maybe my bitterly jealous description of these hypothetical people describes you as well. Maybe you’ve secured a pretty cool, practically worthless unpaid internship. Maybe you got into medical school, law school, grad school, or grade school (I miss 2nd grade and would go back. I think there were fewer group projects in 2nd grade). Maybe you got a real job working for Big Finance or Big Medicine or Big Baby Diaper and Apparel Purveyor (Big Baby Store jobs have Yale-like odds of acceptance).

If you did ANY of these things, then you need to know how to advertise them properly. There is no point being humble. If you are meek about your success, then people will forget what you’re doing and ask you all over again, a week later, what you’re doing with your life, which is totally the worst thing ever in the history of everything. They’ll probably still forget anyway, but if you’re loud enough they’ll feel bad for forgetting you’re so successful.

Here are the steps to properly letting the world know that you are now doing the success all over.

1)    Announce that shit on Facebook.
First, turn on caps lock (Don’t turn it off until you’re done here). Be sure to begin the post with “Beloved friends and family” or something nice like that. Make it like a thank you letter (I know, I know, thank you letters suck and none of these people actually did anything to get you here). This will make people compelled to read your shit, because they want to be included. Say exactly what job-thing you are doing, and when it starts. Use phrases like “Here I come/cum, world!” and “Isn’t this amazing?” Make a joke, using the job title as a pun. Use exclamation points. Use some more. Don’t stop now, I see your index finger getting tired. Feel free to tag friends to make other people jealous. Make sure not to write too much though, or people won’t pay attention to you. Just like you probably won’t read this entire paragraph, since you got the idea after the first sentence. Now ‘Like’ your own status, and boost it with comments.

2)    Upload a picture of the job-thing, again to Facebook.
Ideally, this is a picture of you doing the job-thing, but it doesn’t have to be. Really, any remotely relevant picture is useful. What you do next is what’s important. Make the picture your profile picture. Leave it there for a day. Now once again come to Facebook like it’s your digital Jesus. Change your profile picture to something else. That part is only important so that you can change it back to the job-thing picture. This “bumps” the picture, so that people who didn’t ‘Like’ it before will have it pop up on their newsfeeds, reminding them to ‘Like’ it because they didn’t ‘Like’ it before (you can also make this a practice with any profile picture, but you’ll get more ‘Likes’ if it relates to your job.)

3)    Tweet the shit out of that job-thing.
Keep it professional though, the job-people might be watching now.

4)    Update your LinkedIn profile with that shit.
This will send your friends e-mail notifications even if they don’t bother to use LinkedIn because they don’t have anything to put on their profile.

5)    Post on Google Plus about that shit. 
Just kidding, nobody does this. I’m not even sure if you can actually post things on Google Plus.

6)    Host a social get-together or some shit, for seemingly no particular reason.
You can also attend an outing in case you don’t have the ability to host, but the important thing is that this social event has no specific theme or purpose. It has to be just because, and if you host you must advertise it as a reason to catch up with friends. Once you have some attendees, begin a conversation. The goal of this conversation is to move the topic to your job-thing. The sooner you can get it from “hey, what’s up, how are you?” to “LOOK AT THIS THING I AM DOING”, the better. If there is no transition between those words, you are doing it right. People will feel uncomfortable because of this, and in turn they will be compelled to ask you more about the job-thing. Now they are informed and shit. I guess you can ask them if they’re doing anything, just to make them more uncomfortable, because no one actually wants to discuss the future or the real world.

And that’s really all there is to it. The ultimate goal is to ruin other people’s lives with your success. It’s not enough to be proud of yourself and your achievement. You must PROVE your worth by being loud. This is scientifically proven to be the best way to get ‘Likes,’ Retweets, and their less important parallels in real life social stuff.

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