5 Planks That Didn’t Make It In Aaron and Henry’s Platform

16 Apr

As many of you know, Aaron and Henry’s campaign chose to build their platform by accepting submissions from the student body.  Sadly, Sherman Ave has neither the initiative nor the fuck-giving to actually make submissions to this platform.  So instead, we’re providing you with a list of what we assume were the five best platform issues that Aaron and Henry didn’t integrate into their campaign.

Orrrrr.... stress relief Pitbull!

Orrrrr…. stress relief Pitbull!

1.  Stress relief pit bulls

Okay, so we all remember how that whole “stress relief puppy” thing happened last quarter, and everyone was flipping dicks because ERMAHGERD PERPERSSSS (clarification: that translates to “Oh my god, puppies!” and not “Oh my god, porpoise!”)  But what about pit bulls?  They’re really cute and adorable, but they have the added benefit of maybe attacking you and making you ineligible to take your finals.  Why use the “dog ate my homework” excuse when you can use the “pit bull devoured my clavicle” one?

2.  Wi-fi on Lake Michigan

We’ve all been there.  3am on a frigid February morning, belligerently skinny-dipping in Lake Michigan, thinking to ourselves: Did that girl accept my friend request?  What’s today’s best LivingSocial deal?  Do I have any new LinkedIn connections?  Well, thanks to OBAMA’S AMERICA, we don’t have wi-fi 200 feet out into Lake Michigan, so we’ll never know.  Yet, Aaron and Henry APPARENTLY don’t think this is important enough of an issue to rectify.  I guess we’ll have to walk our frozen, non-protrusive bodies over to somewhere on campus to check, like Core.  OH WAIT THERE’S NOT WI-FI THERE EITHER.

3.  Give student groups more funding exclusively for flyers, posters, and chalk

Remember last year, when you couldn’t walk anywhere on campus with seeing ASG chalk literally molesting you in the eyeballs?  Oh, you do?  Funny, I don’t remember it.  Maybe because the chalk-induced stress forced me to take the quarter off so I could go travel the world and take out my chalk-induced anger on baby animals.

4.  Schedule Northwestern Quidditch matches at Ryan Field

Perhaps these two looked into the costs of retrofitting Ryan Field with big hoops atop tall poles and decided it was too expensive.  Or perhaps they just thought Ryan Field would be too large of a venue for Ron and Hermione to run around in order to light Nebraska fans on fire while they try to push their witchcraft on Jeff Budzien. (Spoiler alert: They didn’t make it in time, for that exact reason.)

5.  Put a pipe organ in every dorm

For years, residential halls and colleges have fought long and hard to get a piano in their common rooms, primarily so that they can say they like to “tickle the ivories” and divert people from immediately assuming clitoral stimulation.  If we’re going to get a piano in every dorm, then why not get a pipe organ in every dorm?  That one creepy music major could play the entirety of JS Bach’s “Prelude and Fugue in C Minor” to add to the ambience of sub-par food, paper-thin walls, and semen-clogged shower drains.

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