David and Jo Spotted Harassing Anyone Buying Chips and Guac at Frontera

16 Apr
"Put the goddamn guacamole down and hand over the seed money."

“Put the goddamn guacamole down and hand over the seed money.”

EVANSTON– ASG Presidential and Executive Vice Presidential candidates David Harris and Jo Lee were seen in Norris on Monday, interrogating any students who purchased chips and guacamole from Frontera Fresco.

“So, have you always hated B-status student groups?” Harris asked  one terrified freshman. “Or did you just decide that today was a nice day to tell new groups to go fuck themselves?”

Multiple students fled the lower level of Norris, Frontera in hand and tears in their eyes, as Harris yelled various insults at them.

“That $4.50 could have revolutionized this school, you selfish asshole! But nooooo, you just HAD to shove the chance to properly fund those groups down your worthless little throat!” he bellowed at a couple sharing a deliciously “auténtico” (authentic!) Mexican snack.

While Harris appeared to be taking a more directly confrontational approach, Lee was overheard using just her words to emotionally devastate the students who ordered chips.

“I bet you’re feeling pretty good about those chips and guac right now, aren’t you? Pretty proud of yourself?” she whispered into one student’s ear. “That’s good. Enjoy them. Lap that guacamole up. Because when you finish, you’re gonna realize something. You’re gonna realize that you’ve ruined everything. Your friendships. Your social life. Your happiness. It’s all gone. I’ll see to that. Have a nice day!”

The workers at Frontera said that they originally attempted to make David and Jo leave, but backed down after Harris called them “anti-student group spawns of Satan.”

2 Responses to “David and Jo Spotted Harassing Anyone Buying Chips and Guac at Frontera”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Ani and Alex Tout Endorsement of Stepdaughter of 1978 ASG Senator | Sherman Ave - April 16, 2013

    […] the 19-year-old University of Iowa student said. “They said they’d buy me like chips and guacamole if I said I thought they should be president, so I was like ‘hellll yaaaaaa.’ I […]

  2. 7 Other Positions ASG Failed to Confirm | Sherman Ave - May 15, 2013

    […] of “Underwooding” opponents. The confirmation process was delayed, however, until David Harris promised to stop enforcing his ruthless pay-to-play scheme, known in some circles as “Guac […]

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