ASG Int’l Blitzkrieg Campaign Remains Unappeased

18 Apr
Because haircuts should mirror bird plummage

Because haircuts should mirror bird plummage

Strutting through an Italian plaza (if you don’t strut they won’t know you’re American) the other day, I was enjoying just another day in the life. Curses from the enfeebled elderly couple I elbowed out of my way, glares from the feathered mohawk Euro-bag regarding my outfit of baggy jeans and a North Face, and the utter contempt of the only people who know English here, the miserably poor Indian men marketing their shitty lighters (luckily they can understand “Today’s just like yesterday, asshole, I ain’t buyin’”). When, lo, to my surprise, I was warmly greeted by a friendly, well-fed, terribly-dressed collegian.

“Hey, I’m out supporting Ani for ASG President, and we’re really interested in how annual term study-abroad students can have their Northwestern Experience brought to the next level!”

Blown away by the touching interest that ASG campaigners take in their student body, I spat on the ground and cursed “No one wants you here, gypsy” in Italian. I was completely flabbergasted and responded in the fashion of my new motherland (in fact the elderly couple from earlier witnessed the whole exchange and sweetly clasping my hand they said “Damn Albanians”).


Literally how 60 million people look and talk.

It all seemed like some weird eurotrippy (in all seriousness that movie is a strikingly accurate cultural tableau) dream until the deja vu of the following day. Exact same scenario, same personal outfit, same elderly couple. Yet instead of just one Northwestern University Student Government representative, there were four! Representing all the demographics of the greater Winnetka village area! True interest in those Proud and Purple students who accidentally transferred onto an international flight, reemerged in a strange land far from Chicago O’Hare, enrolled in university, and secured a year-long contract with communists.

“Benison has drafted a petition to build a multi-million dollar Study-Abroad Multi-Purpose Sports and Entertainment Center in Piazza dei Martiri!”
“David believes that the Italian people can be persuaded to organize a NU Study Abroad Homecoming March.”
“Ani wants to present the disputes you are having with your landlord to the Northwestern Law School incoming class as a Northwestern inter-campus-school International Law Conferencerendum and then fly the NU Debate team to Italy to support your efforts to rid your bathroom of its black mold.”
“Aaron is in that van over there and totally stoked to orally pleasure you!”

Photo evidence of the Fellatio for Votes Scandal  broken by Sherman Ave

Photo evidence of the Fellate the Vote Scandal broken by Sherman Ave

Complete and total shock swept over me. I was truly moved on a personal level. A little back story is necessary here.

It was about this time, one year ago, when I was fed up with the representation I received from my ASG President. Grasping at a last hope, I eagerly anticipated being promised everything I’ve ever desired from the new batch of ASG candidates. Maybe it was because I was really stressed over my classes or that I didn’t leave the Stacks from 5pm until 2am, rarely bathed, and compulsively avoided eye contact on campus, but not a single person even tried to appeal to my self-fixated narcissism. I was promised nothing, absolutely nothing. The night of the election, I made up my mind that the Northwestern Experience wasn’t for me anymore. I wasn’t getting what I wanted. So fuck it. Study abroad. It will only be a revelatory experience which will remove your laser-focused Northwestern blinders and develop your personal character. And hey, it’s not like your bathroom will be covered in black mold or something.

Passing from one plastic-smiled Beltway-aspiring go-getter to the next, I was ultimately approached by a Children’s Crusade reenactor supporting “Northwestern in Two Words.” Fortunately, two were all I had. “Fuck Off”

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