The Most Deranged Email From Morty You Will Ever Read

19 Apr
I don't give a flying fuck if you go to PTI about me. I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

I don’t give a flying fuck if you go to PTI about me. I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rougher fucking ride than your last lonely Friday with your fucksaw.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under the Rock, which apparently is the majority of this organization, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of tour guide stories and general social interactions with prospies. I’ve been getting emails on emails about tour guides LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself, “Oh em gee Morty, I’ve been having so much fun telling all my tours about the fabulous faculty on campus during Wildcat days!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fuck, and our prospective students do not give a flying fuck, about what a great fucking bond you have with your freshman seminar professor. You have five days out of the fucking week to slob on your professor’s knobs, but tours are NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. Newsflash, you stupid dicklicks: PROSPIES DON’T LIKE BORING UNIVERSITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: PROSPIES ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO COME TO NORTHWESTERN IF WE FUCKING SUCK. This applies to you little shits that are talking about the time some dumb freshmen painted the Rock for Mother’s day INSTEAD OF THE TIME YOU MIXED CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY WITH FLIP OR DARE. No prospie’s listening to you talk about how much you loooove being involved on campus unless you’re leading up to the story of how you hooked up wearing crocs and a chicken suit at a theater party. And no one, I repeat, NO ONE wants to hear about how much you love your goddamn pledge daughter. Do you understand?!? We are all just grown-up nerds hide our social inadequacies behind alcohol and yoga. THINGS GET WEIRD. SO DO NOT INSINUATE THAT NORTHWESTERN IS FULL OF NORMAL, STUDIOUS, RESPONSIBLE ADULTS BECAUSE THAT IS A FUCKING LIE.

“But Morty!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been proudly representing our university in a positive light, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’RE LYING ABOUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY DO IN COLLEGE. I’ve not only gotten emails about tour guides being fucking NORMAL when asked if we have a social scene at Northwestern (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s alcohol?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten emails about people saying they actually study on the Lakefill on sunny Friday afternoons. Studying. On. The Lakefill. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! Our prospective students don’t want to go to a university where Fridays are for studying and the Lakefill is for naps, afternoon jogs, and enjoying their fellow students’ company, they want to go to a university where FRIDAYS ARE USED FOR GETTING JIGGY WITH YO BAD SELF AND THE LAKEFILL FOR SKINNYDIPPING, GETTING SLAMMERED, AND UNDERCOVER BLOWJOBS. Or are you just so fucking dense about what prospies care about that you think being a good little innocent college kid is going to make our prospies happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING PROSPIES. I will fucking cock sock the next person I hear about doing something like that.

“Ohhh Morty, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If you’re a normal bitch that does normal bitch shit on Friday nights, this following message is for you:


I’m not fucking kidding. Seriously, if you have NEVER read Harry fucking Potter, if you have not once skinny-dipped in the lakefill, or you have some rare disease where you’re apparently don’t talk about the singularity and Susan B. Anthony in between shots at parties, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS UNIVERSITY. I would rather have 40 guides that are honest about how incredibly weird we get at this place than 80 that are fucking “functional” human beings or something. Seriously.




Eleanor Kinkervoss and Dominick Sackhandler

2 Responses to “The Most Deranged Email From Morty You Will Ever Read”

  1. Jason April 19, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

    Good try, but Morty doesn’t use the Oxford comma.

  2. Jason April 19, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

    I remember my first attempt at satire…

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