Sadist Requests The Food Network On Blomquist TVs

27 Apr


EVANSTON–A complete and utter douchebag who derives pleasure from other peoples’ anguish has requested that the hot chick behind the check-in desk at Blomquist Recreation Center turn the Food Network on all three televisions.

The sadist, who requested anonymity, says that observing the yearning expressions on the faces of fellow exercisers is actually more satisfying than watching Emma Watson porn.

“I like to guess which sorostitutes are on diets by measuring the amount of drool they produce during Cupcake Wars,” reported the asshat. “Then I go home, microwave some babies, and insult campus minorities.”

Many Blomquist patrons were extremely unhappy with the change, but noted that they did not get up and change the channel for fear that their treadmill would be taken by one of the impatient-looking girls eyeing them from machines they clearly did not want to be using.

Freshmen Madeline Cooper of Foster-Walker Complex was especially upset at the alleged cruelty of the situation, telling Sherman Ave:

“Watching Good Eats while at Blom is like showing a picture of the NCAA basketball championship trophy to Northwestern students. It’s all you’ve ever wanted and you will never ever ever have it because there’s just no way, just like there is no goddamn way to bake Alton Brown’s hazelnut brownies in a moldy dorm kitchen where the sink is clogged with rotting Ramen and I’m on my period right now so all I want is intravenous Nutella and will you excuse me a moment please.”

After regaining her composure, Cooper continued, “It’s just that I’ve been living off of Plex’s soggy lasagna seasoned with fruit flies for two quarters now. Watching people eat edible-looking food is really painful.”

A few patrons had a more positive reaction to the channel. “I was on the elliptical to negate last night’s Cheesie’s,” said Haley Winsmore, who had gone to Blom with her best friend and sorority sister Jenna Hamlin. “But then I watched Paula Deen eat three tubs of chocolate-flavored mayonnaise topped with bacon bits, and it made me realize: There are actually worse things in the world than Cheesie’s. And I just said, y’know, fuck this.”

Added Hamlin: “I went home with her. But that was cause I vommed after Paula’s second spoonful of mayo.”

Several patrons have requested that the sadist be punished by handcuffing him to the weight rack for several days without food, then placing a fresh, warm, homemade-from-scratch chocolate chip cookie just out of reach.


Pay no attention to the heinousness behind the curtain.

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