If The Name Of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver: 2013 Edition

4 May
For information on The Secretariat, watch any episode of Mad Men.

For information on The Secretariat, watch any episode of Mad Men.

Last year, we received nearly ZERO death threats after turning every Kentucky Derby horse’s name into a sexual maneuver. Based on that success, we decided to try it again! We proudly ashamedly present the 2013 edition of If The Name Of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver:

Revolutionary: This move is typically only intended for couples who have lost some of that spark in the relationship. In practice, “Revolutionary” is essentially the same as missionary position, but throughout the act both parties attempt to convince the other that what they’re doing is especially novel and stimulating. The French variation of “Revolutionary” is almost entirely similar, except in 69 rather than missionary position and with a woman who refuses to shave her armpit hair.

Overanalyze: A thrilling sexual practice usually only attempted by the most experienced and mature couples, the “Overanalyze” entails taking all your clothes off, standing on opposite sides of the room from each other, and asking what the hell you’re doing with them. You were so pretty in high-school. He should be taller. Oh my god, what if this guy poked a hole in the condom and gets you pregnant? Are you ready for that?

Orb: WARNING: Not intended for anal insertion. For external use only. Batteries not included.

It’smyluckyday: Difficult to attain and even harder to execute, “It’smyluckyday” involves one man of average attractiveness picking up two female 8s or higher at his local bar to take home for a threesome. Although bonus points may be earned if the two women are twins, tennis players on the semi-professional circuit, or Bush daughters, the man runs the all-too-familiar danger of succumbing to a crippling mental breakdown while contemplating the sheer number of breasts involved, henceforth ruining one’s “lucky day.”

Goldencents: The act of “Goldencents” is named for 2 of the three 3 gifts given to the baby Jesus (no myrrh because fuck myrrh). The act typically involves gold body paint and strong aromas to generate a heightened state of opulent arousal. But in Obama’s America, frankincense and gold have been replaced by the really bad Hot Topic incense your stoner friends used to buy, as well as old pennies from those coin sorting machines.

Java’s War: Building on the school of thought that “sex is a competition,” Java’s war involves the two parties drinking as much coffee as possible before attempting coitus. Whichever party manages to go longest without giving up on the sex because of “coffee breath” or “coffee farts” is the victor, but remember gang–everyone’s a winner in this scenario. Or no one.

Oxbow: The “Oxbow” involves having the woman buck her body in the improbable shape of a bow, and then making appropriate animal sounds as you begin your sweet, uncomfortable love making. Despite your initial impression, the animal does not have to be an Ox; whales and members of congress are also popular choices.

Will Take Charge: An elusive sexual maneuver in which a normally soft-spoken man named Will seizes the moment and slaps his mate on the rear. Also known as the, “Oh my god, what am I doing, I’m so sorry, that is not like me.”

Normandy Invasion: Lets just say your Grandpa was pretty into this one, and he was one of the lucky few who didn’t come back missing a limb.

Vyjack: This horse was literally named by combining two other names: Vivian and Jack. The sexual manuever, therefore, involves the owner getting eiffel towered by the third-place jockey and his horse.

Palice Malice: A popular maneuver among role play connoisseurs, the “Palice Malice” involves reenacting the 2004 Pacers-Pistons “Malice at the Palace” NBA brawl, in which one participant throws beer onto his or her significant other, who proceeds to fuck the shit out of the beer-thrower while thousands of Detroit residents cheer wildly. The position then involves a series of S&M punishments administered by a gimp-masked David Stern. A personal favorite of Metta World Peace and Eminem.

Verrazano: A sexual move in which a woman has sex with an Italian man named Verrazano.  Yeah, really all we got.

Lines of Battle: In a throwback to 19th-century military strategy, “Lines of Battle” involves two lines of males lining up across from one another and firing ineffective rounds of “musket balls” at one another. Alternative entries in Urban Dictionary, however, suggest that “Lines of Battle” actually entails one partner wearing a tricorner hat and snorting cocaine off of a bayonet and/or another’s genitalia.

Mylute: Remember when people used to have sex with random people from MySpace?  Well this is like that.  Except instead of MySpace, it’s people from MyLute, a social network designed especially for Greek mythology enthusiasts.

Frac Daddy: Let’s just say this involves high pressure drilling and an inadvisable volume of contaminated water.

Falling Sky: While engaging in doggystyle intercourse, the man shouts “THE SKY IS FALLING!”  When the woman attempts to look up, he donkey punches her. (Fun fact: Donkey Punch nearly won the Triple Crown in 1937!)

Charming Kitten: It’s a commonly accepted belief that guys who walk dogs in public places will pick up mad bitches.  In this maneuver, the mold is broken when a man puts a leash on his little kitten and walks it in the park.  Disclaimer: This only works if you’re trying to pick up old women with wrinkly breasts.

Golden Soul: This sexual maneuver is much like a golden shower, except you do it so much that the victim literally feels as if her soul has been penetrated with urine.

Black Onyx: Popularized by Carl Weathers in the late 1970s and early 1980s, the “Black Onyx” involves a man as big as Apollo Creed, with the digital dexterity of Chubbs from Happy Gilmore, and as hard as to beat as Brock’s Onix.

Giant Finish: You guys don’t need me for this one. C’mon.

Fear the Kitten: Not for the feint of heart, this move requires a man with remarkable sexual stamina to have sex with his partner while watching the entirety of the musical “Cats.” It’s important not to confuse this with the Jonas Brothers, who just fear the pussy.

 – Ross Packingham, Evander Jones, Commandant Leo Sextoi and Sad Bones Malones contributed to this report.

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