Norris Begins Planning Half-Birthday

6 May

Surprisingly, this is not a still-frame from a movie about a dystopian society.

EVANSTON – Administrators at Northwestern University’s Norris Student Center announced this morning that they are officially making plans for an extravagant week-long celebration of the building’s half-birthday this summer.

Norris Executive Director Kelly Schaefer expressed the importance of the celebration.

“You know, some people don’t think half-birthdays are worth celebrating,” said Schaefer.  “But, like, come on!  Those people just don’t know how to have fun.  They’re probably the same people who think that Norris doesn’t need a game room.”

“Besides, it’s not every day you turn forty and a half,” added Schaefer.

The celebration will incorporate all components of the student center’s portfolio of activities.  The most notable elements of the celebration will be birthday card-decorating in ARTica and Norris Bookstore’s sale, which will offer a 4.05% discount on purchases over $405.  Additionally, Rick Bayless will be personally baking a 40.5-pound guacamole cake.

On top of the expansions of current Norris activities, there will be a series of short mini-courses offered to complement the half-birthday party.  Popular mainstay courses like Wine Appreciation and Hip-Hop Dancing will be supplemented with one-time-only courses like Student Center Donation Techniques and Two-Story Sports Bar Architecture.

Among the costs of decorations, events, food, and publicity, the party is estimated to cost around $60,000.

“That sounds like a lot of money, but if you think about it, that’s only about $7 per undergraduate student,” said Schaefer, ignoring the fact that $7 can buy an entire Chipotle burrito.

Northwestern students could not be reached for comment, as they were searching tirelessly for somewhere to just buy a goddamn crepe.

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