Inspiring Students Overcome Crippling Hangovers To Call Mothers

12 May

In related news, Stacy’s Mom received soooo many calls today.

Students from all over the country mustered up the strength to call their mothers today, despite the vodka-induced headache, nausea, and aversion to human contact that typically defines their Sunday afternoons.

Many of the students said that Mother’s Day, the annual holiday dedicated to the recognition and praise of the brave women who pushed us out of their wombs, is one of the most important days of the year.  One student, University of Kentucky senior Rachel Alvarez, has made this courageous phone call for three consecutive years now.

“Every year, I wake up on Mother’s Day and my first thought is ‘No matter what, I need to call Mom today,'” said Alvarez. “Actually, that’s my second thought. My first thought is typically ‘Shit, why am I laying down in a stranger’s lawn spooning with a family of plastic flamingoes?'”

Added Alvarez, “Jesus, can we close the damn blinds?”

Students told inspirational stories of all the different places from which they had phoned their mother’s on the special holiday.  Some students, like Baylor University freshman Charles Bradley, have called their moms just seconds after gratuitously vomiting in someone else’s house.

“Yeah man so I woke up in this chick’s bed,” recalled Bradley. “I looked over and I was like ‘Who the hell is this?’ And then I puked all over her face.  I mean you couldn’t even see her face, there was so much regurgitated Busch Light and Taco Bell on it.”

Mothers responded with a mixture of gratitude and confusion.

“It was so nice of Gretchen to give me a call,” reported Diana Miller, a resident of Stamford, Connecticut whose two daughters attend the University of Connecticut.  “But I couldn’t help but notice that her voice sounded unnaturally low.  She also let out a hearty groan every five or ten seconds.”

“To be honest, it was also very odd of her to be dry heaving over the phone,” added Miller.

The nation’s fathers could not be reached for comment, likely due to poor cell phone service on their favorite golf courses.

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