7 Other Positions ASG Failed to Confirm

15 May

One Northwestern. One Shitshow.

In the wake of a heated Associated Student Government Senate meeting last Wednesday night, ASG President Ani Ajith is scrambling to fill numerous vacancies for cabinet positions left unconfirmed following the acrimonious session. While ASG‘s failure to confirm the chief of staff, vice president for public relations and associate vice president for diversity and inclusion positions for political, racial, and fecal reasons received wide coverage, the following seven essential positions also remain unconfirmed.

1. Smash Mouth’s slot at Dillo Day
Despite widespread support for the 1990s pop-rock band’s appointment to Dillo Day‘s traditional “Bands-You-Listened-To-In-Middle-School-Nostalgic-Daytime Slot,” the selection committee’s nomination was blocked by senate vote following a contentious floor debate. Bobb senator Biff Pemberton expressed concern with the band’s rumored appointment, claiming that the band “just wasn’t experienced enough” for the responsibility of performing for thousands of drunken college kids. Pemberton went on to filibuster the proceedings, playing Smash Mouth’s 2005 Christmas album Gift of Rock on repeat for eight-hours nonstop.

2. Vice President for Diversity of Life
During the most automatonophobically-charged portion of the evening, a large contingent of spectators demonstrated against the appointment of android CAESAR 3000 to the position of Vice President for Diversity of Life. According to many ASG members present, the students objected to CAESAR 3000’s appointment on the basis that CAESAR’s status as a synthetic organism prevented it from adequately serving Northwestern’s human community. For Humans Only president Josh Ford, however, objected to this criticism, stating instead, “It’s not that CAESAR’s identifying factors preclude it from understanding the specific problems of life forms on campus. It’s just that CAESAR has made no attempt whatsoever to really learn what humans care about–what their specific needs, issues, and wants are. It’s patently offensive that ASG’s selection committee thinks a robot is most attuned to the needs of organic creatures on campus.”

When asked to respond to such allegations, CAESAR admitted, “Love? What is love? I am only programmed to understand despair.”

3. Friday Night’s Hookup
Even though we are all looking to ASG for answers, the organization seems completely unable to confirm for us the person with whom we were getting our freak on Friday night.  While the meeting did address the issue, the senate refused to confirm anything.

“It could be Jake, but we really don’t want it to have been Jake, because he’s like, SUCH a good friend and that would make things too weird,” said ASG’s representative of Elder Hall.

The process was further complicated by the Senate’s refusal to confirm the chair of the Biddy Selection Committee during last week’s meeting.

4. Secretary of Defense
Once considered a lock for the position, NUPD officer Russell Harris’ confirmation as NU Secretary of Defense was blocked by the conservative contingent of ASG senators. When explaining his vote against Harris, Ira Goldstein argued, “Russell Harris has been suspiciously silent about his support for the Israeli state. This Senate needs to hold his confirmation until we are certain about his stances on matters of great import.”

Added another insurgent senator discussing Russell Harris, whose primary responsibilities include writing students up for drinking violations, College Republican Jane Woodson noted, “I’m just not comfortable approving Harris without knowing more about him. Do we really know how he feels about partial-birth abortion?”

5. Off-Campus Senator for Political Machinery
A seat once dubbed as “fucking gold” by almnus Rod Blagojevich, responsibilities for the Off-Campus Senator for Political Machinery include streamlining political cronyism, bribery accounting, and the mysteriously dubbed process of “Underwooding” opponents. The confirmation process was delayed, however, until David Harris promised to stop enforcing his ruthless pay-to-play scheme, known in some circles as “Guac Payola,” on Frontera Fresco.

6. Lotus Position
ASG also failed on Wednesday to confirm the official sex position of Northwestern University. In spite of an energetic demonstration by members of SHAPE, ASG Senate refused to vote for the lotus position, citing confusion, inflexibility, and inability to purchase the Kama Sutra at Beck’s. Added ASG’s theater representative, “Ew. Like, seriously, gross.”

If a new position is not confirmed in seven days, the official sex position of NU will revert to last year’s aptly named “The Wildcat,” which involves a complicated series of disjointed clawing motions, hours at the library, tears, and profuse apologies.

7. Any Semblance of Relevance
Sorry, this joke is about as heavy-handed as ASG itself.

One Response to “7 Other Positions ASG Failed to Confirm”


  1. Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Victoria Zuzelo | Sherman Ave - September 22, 2013

    […] Evander: Speaking of ASG, who do you think is least-qualified to lead a diversity task force? […]

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