An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2017

16 May

Dear Northwestern University Class of 2017,

I know you’ve probably read the latest email from the Northwestern administration, saying you’re the smartest, most diverse, most sexually capable class of students to ever be admitted to Northwestern University. I know you’re probably feeling pretty good about yourselves, and you feel special in the eyes of Northwestern. But let me tell you something: don’t believe them.  They’ll only hurt you.

I remember when I got my first email from Northwestern. They told me I was “quick-witted, sharp, creative.” They told me I was beautiful. They told me I was the only student they’d ever make love to. And then a new class came along, and all of a sudden I wasn’t so smart, I wasn’t so special, and I wasn’t so pretty. I was nothing to them – just another mark on their admissions list.

Let me guess – they told you they were going to march you through the arch and treat you real nice? Yeah, they tell that to everyone.

Now it’s another year later and the class that replaced me, the class that was so amazing and intelligent  – they’re nothing but a faint memory in the eyes of the Northwestern administration. Why? Because of you. You’re now the shining star in the eyes of the Northwestern and the rest of us have been left to languish in Tech like the ugly step-sisters.

You should feel good about yourselves. You should feel proud. But you should not be fooled. The Northwestern admissions office is a fickle lover. It may shower you with accolades and gifts and promises to call you the next morning – but they are empty promises. The Northwestern admissions office will move on next year and find a new class that they like more than you. They’ll send emails to them telling them the same things they’re saying to you right now, and you’ll be heart-broken.

If you let their hollow words into your heart, you’ll be in store for a broken heart. You’ll suffer, ache, and wonder why you were so naive. You won’t understand it at first, but eventually you’ll find yourself naked outside of Morty’s house screaming Pablo Neruda poems, cradling a bottle of Heritage tequila (not on Cinco de Mayo though).

So guard your heart. Protect yourself from their hollow compliments and don’t let yourself get hurt like so many before you.

Go’ Cats.


Every Northwestern Class Before You

P.S. Admissions office…if you see this – call me maybe.

3 Responses to “An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2017”


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    […] class of 2017! Now that you’ve been accepted, bombarded with FAFSA, and “studied” for AP tests (or wait, […]

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    […] has it that Northwestern is full of nerds, but I bet you’re thinking that the class of 2017 is gonna be different. “We’ll socialize!” you say, “We’ll never set foot in the […]

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    […] Oh shit! Oh God, the Open Letter to the Class of 2017, about how every class is prettier and smarter and nicer and more of the administration’s […]

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