Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Learning How to be Passive Aggressive

Welcum class of 2017! Now that you’ve been accepted, bombarded with FAFSA, and “studied” for AP tests (or wait, are you fucks done with school already?) it’s time to get hella pumped for college. You’re a future Wildcat, which means you are involved in every extracurricular under the sun, except for the good ones. Like sleeping. And smoking. And screwing. And (as we on the Ave know is most important) getting iced.

All of us current students know that the class of 2017 is a bunch of little turds because you made tuition go up once again, so you really need to step up your game and fit in right away.

This installment of the Freshman Guide is all about the linguistic complexity of language in the Midwest, and particularly the phenomenon of passive-aggressive comments. Learning how to be passive-aggressive seems to be unique to the Midwest since the East Coast is straight aggressive, and anyone west of Colorado is too high to care.

If, upon meeting someone you particularly dislike, your first inclinations are to 1. Curse, 2. Walk away, 3. Pour your drink all down their stupid shirt, or 4. Unleash your full wrath of heinous and make a scene in Norbucks, then this lesson is for you. What are you thinking, showing your true feelings and all? Here in Illinois, the best way to interact is to put on your big girl panties, and to be fake as fuck. Let your disingenuous speech match the fakeness of your spray tan and that forged Dean’s List letter you sent home to the fam.

As a zero-fucks-giving-Westerner, I’ve had to learn the staple phrases of passive-aggressive interactions, and have compiled them here for you. Take note, girls, because you like totally won’t be dirty rushed for that like sew purrfect sorority if you can’t master this difficult linguistic maneuver.

1. “Hi, we haven’t met before!” Now, this is only applicable to people you have, in fact, met before. Preferably like 8 times. You’ve met this bish so many times that you know how much you hate him/her (let’s be real, it’s a she). Nothing can irritate ya bish more than playing mind games and getting her to believe she is forgettable.
2. “It’s natural.” (followed by the up-down look.) Any time someone pays you a compliment, be sure to emphasize your natural superiority. On the surface, happily accept the compliment, but the condescending judgmental look will get your point across.
3. “It’s fine, I just thought you were going to do it…” Trail off your words here, suggesting genuine disappointment, then shoot your eyes up with your saddest puppy dog eyes. And by puppy dog eyes, I mean channel your greatest Lucille Bluth look that makes the lazy ass in your group project want to stab you for their own lack of responsibility. Whoa, psychological torment.
4. “As long as you’re happy.” This means ‘you goddamn selfish cunt.’
5. “Wow, that’s an outfit only you could pull off.” The recipient of this comment will first think,“Oh em gee, I’m like so fuggin hipster and unique and am sewww fashion-forward.” But later that night, after 3 whiskey sours and a nip slip, when she still has yet to “get chose,” she will realize that you really just insulted her style. The best passive-aggressive statements take some time and reflection to really sting.
6. “It’s fine.” THIS IS LIFE. Seriously, if you made a drinking game out of the amount of times you hear this phrase on a daily basis, you would be either a masochist or an alcoholic. It’s absurd how often people will say “No, it’s totally fine,” when it is clearlyyyy not.

Everyone is so excited to leave high school because, like, people at Northwestern must be too smart to be petty. You’re thinking, ‘who has time to be catty when you have class and homework and fun frat parties and endless alcohol and so much freedom!’

Get ready, because it turns out, Midwesterners have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to insult you without you even realizing it. That’s what happens when you don’t see the sunshine for 6 months on end.