EVANSTON—Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl verified claims this morning that she surrendered her 44-year-old daughter (Kathy E. Tisdahl) to Chicchan, the Mayan rain deity last night “in the heat of the moment.” Tisdahl was spotted in a frog-like squat, crouched on the top of Northwestern’s Rebecca Crowne Clock Tower at twilight. She performed the sacrifice at the stroke of midnight, reportedly in opposition to NU’s upcoming annual Dillo Day festival.
“It was worth it,” Tisdahl declared as a mass of foam discharged from her mouth. “I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my night.”
In congruency with traditional Mayan sacrifice customs, the mayor approached a local Evanston priest prior to the ceremony, asking him to oversee the procedure. Father Alba of St. Nicholas Church was clearly distraught with the situation.
“She’s utterly demonic. Like is she actually rabid? This is the shit I don’t like,” the priest gasped as he clung to a Bible, attempting to sustain his religious faith.
A representative from Mayfest, the student group overseeing Dillo Day, was visibly baffled by the event.
“What the hell? I mean if it’s raining we’ll just move it inside to Patten. Does she realize that?”
Tisdahl issued a press release this morning, warning her critics.
“At one point in my life, I openly scoffed at Chicchan. Two hours later a swarm of parasitic tapeworms invaded my small intestine. The doctors said it was the raw horsemeat. I know it was Chicchan.”
— The Infinite Guest