Recent Crop of High School Graduates say ‘Ah Fuck It’

23 May


WASHINGTON, DC–A recent poll of high school graduates across 400 schools from 48 states shows a near unanimous decision to just say “Ahh fuck it” when asked about any kind of post-high school plans. When probed to see what that meant exactly, a majority of students responded, “I dunno, whatever.”

“I mean, it’s like, what am I even going to do? Work with computers?” exclaimed high school senior Stephanie Kaspersky. “Hashtag no thanks. I’d rather make jewelry.”

“Parents, grandparents, neighbors, my state senator–everybody wants to know what I’ll be doing after school,” added Brian Jones, an 18-year-old from Easton, Pennsylvania. “And each time I’m always like, ‘Oh, you know, the usual. Just, like, hanging around.'”

High school teachers across the country, however, cannot believe this apathetic epidemic. European History teacher Fredrick Sophos has been particularly vocal regarding the recent poll.

“We drill them on all of their standardized tests, make sure they understand that they will probably go into debt from student loans, give them information on the state of the economy, all of the exciting new positions that will be available in the IT industry… Where did we go wrong?” complained an exasperated Sophos.

While most would think that the true sufferers of this widespread indifference would be America’s future social security hoarders elders, colleges point towards fans of the athletic programs underlying their universities as the main victim of such nationwide ennui, as numerous universities with major sports programs apparently derive most of their funding of athletic programs from rejected students’ application fees. Ohio State athletic director John McAfee went so far as to admit, “We may have to reduce some of the academic scholarships. I mean, we’ve gotta have football and basketball and shit.”

Although the nation’s parents would normally pick up the slack and just do their kids’ college applications for them, they too have been sucked into listlessness following prolonged periods of unemployment and debt.

The Infinite Guest

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