DM Announces Team Jacob As 2014 Beneficiary

24 May
DM officials declined to comment on whether the fact that EVERYONE JUST GOT PREGNANT FROM THIS would impact the event.

DM officials declined to comment on whether the fact that EVERYONE JUST GOT PREGNANT FROM THIS would impact the event.

EVANSTON– Northwestern University Dance Marathon announced Thursday that Team Jacob, an organization dedicated to finding a cure for Robert Pattinson’s charming good looks, would be the the event’s primary beneficiary in 2014.

“We’ve come so far in the fight for Jacob,” DM representative Autumn Franklins said. “And we think this is a cause that the entire Northwestern and werewolf communities can really rally around.” 

DM expects to once again pass the $1 million mark in fundraising this year, but experts note that total would pale in comparison to the $3.3 billion brought in worldwide through Team Jacob’s successful film fundraisers.

“Yeah, fuck you,” DM spokesman Benjamin Farris responded when asked about the comparison. “We’re on WGN sometimes.”

Farris said he could not confirm any block themes, but reports indicated that all dancers would be required to be shirtless for the duration of the event.

The announcement stoked immediate outrage from members of the Northwestern Team Edward community, who said they felt DM was excluding them from campus life.

“How can we have #OneNorthwestern when the university is sanctioning such divisive actions,” Team Edward chairman Sally McMyspace said, literally pronouncing the fucking hashtag. “Needless to say, we’re painting the Rock about this.”

As of press time, Robert Pattinson had not responded to a Snapchat asking for comment. When reached, a Taylor Lautner spokesman said, “What? No. I work for Taylor Swift. No they’re not the same. Stop. Stahhhp, you know the difference. Leave me alone.”

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