Network Television Murdered Early Sunday Morning

27 May


Los Gatos, CA – Network Television, a long-loved friend of households both in America and abroad, was violently and tragically murdered.  She was 93.

The killing is believed to have occurred around 2 AM early Sunday morning, during a party at Netflix’s five-story mansion in Los Gatos, according to Los Gatos Chief Officer Henry Hernandez.

“We were called at exactly 2:00 AM, with one of the residents – I believe it was CBS – frantically and desperately screaming that he believed someone had killed Network Television,” Hernandez stated at a press conference this afternoon, “by the time paramedics had reached the Netflix estate, it was far too late.”

Party-goers appeared as investigators arrived at the scene.  Many – amongst them Fox and NBC – were visibly sick, and could be seen weeping into each other’s arms.

Hernandez went on to say that Network Television, who was already in a sickly and weakened state, appears to have been slowly strangled, according to medical reports.

“This wasn’t someone who wanted to make a quick kill,” he went on to say, “it was someone who was maniacal; someone who wanted to really watch the life get sucked out of the Big Four’s frail and pathetic body.”

Police have apprehended a few suspects, most notably Arrested Development, who until recently had been living in isolation, writing a series of clever, but difficult to understand, memoirs.

“Her?” a legal representative for Development stated over phone, “that’s just an illusion created by someone else.  Arrested Development believes that family is the most important thing, and would never do anything to hurt a loose seal, or be seen rather than be heard.  Steve Holt!  Wait, what were we talking about again?  I got confused by my overly-complicated and un-relatable style of speech.”

Hulu, Sockshare, and cable are also being considered as potential perpetrators.  Hernandez stated it was possible that the online repositories may have collaborated on the crime.  Their legal representation could not be reached for comment.

“This is an ongoing investigation,” Hernandez continued. “While it is not clear yet who committed such a crime, it is clear that they were truly cowardly; Network Television had maybe five more years to live, at the most. I mean, did you see the last episode of The Voice!? Yet this person – the cold and vicious person – couldn’t even let her have those final moments of her life.”

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