Amanda Bynes: Master Troll

28 May
Troll

Troll

Do you ever think about the celebrity infatuation that exists in this county?

The generous amount of on-air time spent covering the Hollywood aristocracy would make any publicity-seeking radical weep into their manifestos. This is especially true with the celebrity meltdown, the fall from grace which has become a parody of itself. The drugs, the denials, the arrests, it has all become so cliché that you need to spice it up nowadays if you want attention (e.g. with racism, animal abuse, revanchism, etc.).

But what if the breakdown was so well-performed that they play on our collective sympathies like a red-eyed, rumpled, and ranting Yo-Yo Ma? Allow me to posit a theory: Amanda Bynes’ most recent arrest was intentional, all of her actions these past few months were planned, and her use of social and traditional media is savvy as hell. She is manipulating the public using what she learned from the Amanda Show to show she is a troll of the highest order.

Her image

One of the most visible aspects of Amanda Bynes’ meltdown is her changing physical appearance. With cheek piercings, long blonde extensions, a nose job and serious (ratchet) makeup, she certainly looks way different from the highlight of her career, Big Fat Liar. But this change is as unoriginal as it is inspired.

Amanda has said in interviews that she is trying to emulate Blac Chyna, a “MILF rapper” who’s basically a poor-woman’s Nicki Minaj (who is in turn an updated Lil’ Kim, but whatever). In all of her recent photos, Amanda uses the same exact angles and expressions as Chyna, and is basically doing her darnedest to look exactly like her. Seeing them side by side, they could almost be sisters, except, you know, Amanda is Jewish. This impersonation is also inspired from her role as Penelope Taynt, of Amandaplease.com fame.

This desire to be another woman, bordering on the obsessive, is both weird and pretty hilarious. Her choice in Blac Chyna seems random, but the right mix of trashy and trendy is a spectacle and she knows that’s what she needs to get attention.

Social Media

Really, Amanda Byne’s return to public consciousness came about an hour after she tweeted “I want @Drake to murder my vagina.” This flippant, vulgar, and personal admission on Twitter seemed like an old-person mistake, something Sen. Chuck Grassley would do. But after doing the thankless task of reading every one of Amanda Bynes’ tweets since March, I think differently.

She cares deeply about her public image, with almost all of her tweets concerning her new image and what others think of it. She whines that magazines don’t use her new post-surgery look for pictures and compares herself to Sailor Moon. She is also a heavy retweeter, broadcasting pictures that fans made of her, many of which are hardly flattering. Using her most ridiculous photos, they’ll make her a Teletubby or put her head on a camel. She wants her new face to stick in people’s minds, and she knows that memes and goofy pictures on the Internet are what people end up focusing on. Yeah, some of her tweets sound like they were from her Blockblister days (Much better!), but when she says we should “Believe everything I say on twitter!” I’ll humor her.

Drugs

Amanda recently got into trouble because she threw a bong. Out of the window. On the 26th floor of her apartment building.

This can all be blamed on her narc of a doorman who freaked when he saw Amanda smoking joints in the lobby and called the cops. Some have blamed this marijuana use as central to her meltdown, which is expanded when Amanda says she only uses the paraphernalia for tobacco, that tired lie found in headshops nationwide. This is BS.

Amanda knows that weed doesn’t make you want nose jobs, it makes you as chill as Totally Kyle. She just needed some minor victimless misdemeanor to make the mainstream media care, and that usually means pot. This arrest, paired with scandalous comments on her Twitter about alleged sexual harassment, work to gain our sympathies and compel us to see the outcome.

Conclusion

So with a garish new look, a vocal and earnest social media appeal, and a seemingly erratic yet timely bong-toss, Amanda Bynes seems to be hitting EVERY aspect of the meltdown. This is like when Joaquin Phoenix grew his ratty beard and mumbled through a Letterman appearance. The only difference is Phoenix copped out after a month, and came clean like the conscientious boring old dude he is. Amanda has no such qualms, she’s in it for awhile and will be releasing an album soon.

But why? I have no idea. She could just want to come back into the spotlight after being gone for so long. Maybe she’s trying to draw attention to the role of beauty in society, or how women must rely on objectifying themselves to gain mass appeal. She could be being paid off by Basher al-Assad to distract us away from Syria (HAHAHA like that’d be hard to do).

Personally, I think she’s doing it because she can. Society is the Mr. Gullible to her precocious and ridiculous younger self, and she wants to make us act the fool. She’s managed to capture media attention for well over 15 minutes, and it doesn’t look like she’s going away anytime soon. We’ll see what happens after court is dismissed, but for now just bring in the dancing lobsters.

P.S. I couldn’t figure how to work this in, but you should watch this brilliant sketch of Amanda as Candy Tulips, girlfriend of middle school Mafioso Tony Pajamas. It involves blackmailing faculty with pictures of them picking their noses and slow motion donut attacks.

3 Responses to “Amanda Bynes: Master Troll”

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