The Six People You Drunk Dialed on Dillo

3 Jun
Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day...

Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day…

So you survived Dillo. Congrats.

But you should check the call log on your phone once you dig it out of the lakefill mud. You blackout-called a ton of people:

1. Your mom
She was out gardening on such a nice Saturday when she got a call from her least favorite child:

“Hi honey, how is your day?”
“It’s not just a day, mom. It’s fucking DILLO DAY”
“Did you say it’s Dildo Day?”
“No mom it’s Dillo, don’t you hear Danny Brown playing?”

Your mom listened, horrified at the screeching coming through her receiver, but thankfully your bad service made Danny Brown sound somewhat tolerable.

“Isn’t it the best? I’m gonna give him a blowjob later!”
“Well, I’m glad you’re having fun, honey. Please don’t do that. And stop drinking.”

2. Your Ex
She/He was spending time with her/his current lover, who is nicer, better looking, and much more mature than you.

“Guess how many people I hooked up with so far today!”
“Hey. I haven’t talked to you in two years.”
“More than two, keep guessing”
“I really would prefer not to. I have just now been able to get over the emotional scarring you inflicted upon me and all I want is to never think about you again.”
“Ok, fine: It was 3 and a half! Remember when we banged that one time in that park?”
“Yes, it was one of the worst nights of my life. You cried for 2 hours about your mom not loving you as much as her other children. I’m hanging up now.”

3. Your Pediatrician from home
She had just given a tracheotomy to a young child who fell down a flight of stairs into a box of impressively well-sharpened colored pencils.

“Doctor Johnson’s cell”
“How much beer is too much beer? I had eight and feel like a fucking CHAMPION.”
“Look, I only gave you this number so you could use me as a resource for when you have problems with your severe anxiety and depression.”
“No anxiety here Doctor J; I think it’s cause of all the second-hand weed going around on the lakefill. Oh dude do you listen to Walk the Moon? You know that one song? I forget what it’s called, or any of their other songs. But it’s good. I think the word sun is in the title… Doctor J?”

You later left her a voicemail asking if she could hook you up with some medical marijuana. You little shit.

4. Thai Sookdee
You ordered 5 curries and never picked them up. They track that shit, so no more Sook for you.

5. That One Asshole from High School
He was busy being rejected from some yuppie club in New York. He screened your call, but you got a nice voicemail in.

“Hey fuck you. I know you screened this call. Three rings man, three rings. Anyways I was calling to let you know you suck. I know you think you are hot shit for going to NYU but honestly no one gives a shit. Remember that time of the moment when I punched you during our chemistry lab sophomore year? I don’t care what you said, that was NOT a scoopula. Also what’s the deal with that girl you dated long distance in high school, then made follow you to New York, only hooked-up with her, but now you guys hang out all the time? What the fuck man! Get your shit together. Not that I care or anything but dude. Seriously. Also your band is a total joke. And why do you keep telling me to like your photography business on Facebook? That isn’t photography, that’s having an expensive camera and knowledge of the filter options on Photoshop. You are ruining my vibe today. Fuck you and all you stand for. You ass-pooper.”

He couldn’t understand any of it because of the wind. Honestly it was the only call that should have gone through all day.

6. The One Chance You Had At Love
He/She was off having the best Dillo ever. Appropriately intoxicated, eyes reflecting in the sun, dancing with a sense of lightness and beauty that no other person could achieve, and doing it all without breaking a sweat

“Hey how are you friend?”
“I’m in love with you.”
“Haha love you too! Good Dillo?”
“Can we go make out in Kresge?”

He/she didn’t hear anything else except the sound of you vomiting aggressively and the sound of you collapsing onto the ground. Way to go, you absolute shit show. He/She tried to figure out who you might have been hanging out with, to try and take care of you, but would soon find out you were sitting alone in your Plex single, listening to Smashmouth on Spotify.

Seriously, go get your phone out of that mud. The snapchats were way, way worse.

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