“I Only Have One Final,” Reports Dickhead

5 Jun
At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

EVANSTON, Ill. – In a press conference this morning, some total dickhead announced to everyone that he only has one final this quarter.

“Yeah, it’s honestly really nice,” said the absolute douchesicle.  “Everyone else is really stressed, and I’m just sitting here chilling.  I just have one final next week, and it’s only on material from weeks 9 and 10.  How’s your finals week going?”

The Anusmelon’s announcement has been met with substantial public outcry, especially among Northwestern’s virgin engineer population.  In addition to organizing a march down Sheridan Road this afternoon to show solidarity for how much they despite this piece of human dogshit, the McCormick School of Engineering has planned a candlelight vigil for this evening to honor the gruesome death of fairness.

“I bumped into this semen-guzzler at a party last weekend, and mentioned that I should probably be studying and not drinking,” recalled Eduardo Nuñez, a McCormick sophomore.  “He was like, ‘Oh, you have finals next week?  That must be tough.  I’ve heard finals can be really difficult.’”

In an email to the student body, Northwestern President Morton Schapiro sympathized with their frustrations and ensured that action would be taken.

“This taint’s behavior represents our wonderful institution in a very negative way,” said Schapiro, who we literally fucking interviewed this week.  “We have to understand that racial diversity is of the utmost importance in learning.  I hope to see no other racial incidents like this occur again.”

“Oh wait.  Never mind.  But yeah, fuck that guy,” added Schapiro.

Our interview with Morty will be published tomorrow afternoon.

Northwestern VP of Student Affairs Patricia Telles-Irvin followed up with an e-mail describing the permanent repercussions facing this student.

“I mean, this ass-tingler is definitely going on social probation,” said Irvin.  “If he mentions his only final one more time, he’ll be kicked off campus.”

Added Irvin, “I’m starving, does anyone have some honey-roasted stem cells I can fry up in human tears?”

When asked about the controversial nature of his behavior, this complete bag of tainthair who is devoid of any redeeming qualities remained unconcerned.

“They can say what they want, but it’s not like I’m just going to be doing nothing this whole week,” reported Twat-for-brains.  “I’m going to have to really get prepared for the 10-week investment banking internship with Goldman Sachs that my dad got me.”

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