Following the announcement that Northwestern has cancelled class due to inclement weather, the NOAA has released another statement that “hell hath frozen over, and the end is clearly nigh.”
“Call your mom and remind her you love her one last time, because she’s probably going to heaven, and you’re definitely not,” advised NOAA spokesperson Noah DiRiccio. “The University cancelled classes an hour ago, so by my calculations, you should start drinking ASAP so you’re nice and anesthetized by the time the Four Horsemen get here.”
Minnesota native and SESP junior Michael Ervin was confused. “But the severe weather already happened, right? You guys consider ‘above sixty’ to be extreme here, dontcha?”
Witnesses report that Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl displayed an uncharacteristic amount of excitement upon receiving news of the world’s impending doom.
“You mean the university will be destroyed??” she said, allegedly making a facial expression.
Stay safe, everyone.