University of Illinois Professor Slightly Frustrated Upon Finding Poop In His Clean Linens Again

17 Jun

Chief Illiniwek, taking a huge dump maybe.

In an open letter to the University of Illinois, Associate Professor Ben Mallock said he is getting a tad fed up after students have been repeatedly breaking into his home and pooping in a basket of clean linens.

Mallock, 56, who teaches anthropology at U of I, said he’s bordering on being annoyed with the bi-weekly felony offense of breaking and entering and subsequent defecating into a basket of neatly folded bed sheets for the 12 years he has been empl oyed by the University.

“It used to be this would only happen on the weekends, but now it happens without any regard to the day of the week or time of day,” Mallock wrote in a letter sent to student run newspaper, The Daily Illini. “After class, I found pee in the toilet and a street sign tucked into my bed.”

The incessant browning of his white clothes by students seems a little malicious to Mallock, but he refrained from making hard accusations because he recognizes the experience is not unique to him. The act of pooping in strangers’ laundry is commonly referred to as “laying a dreamsicle” in reference to the school’s orange color.

“It’s almost enough to make me a little peeved,” said Mallock, wearing a brown streaked shirt as he duct-taped a cardboard Dell computer box over his window.

In the letter to published in The Daily Illini, Mallock pointed to any football, basketball, baseball, or swim team home game as times when the student body was particularly disorderly leading him to avoid doing laundry on those days.

“Damnit all though, I love my students and I bleed orange, too, and sometimes I even break into the dorm rooms to lay out a thick one,” added Mallock.

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