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How to Feed Yourself and Your Unpaid Internship

25 Jun

There’s nothing like the sweet flavor of an unpaid internship.

Seriously. There literally is nothing like that. Unpaid internships taste like shit, because most internships boil down to three-plus months of ass kissing and there’$ nothing to $weeten the deal.

Plus, you’re starving. Because when you’re in New York, San Francisco or any other city where each square foot of rent costs the sum total of Dolly Parton’s plastic surgeries, do you have the cash to spare for sustenance?

$ign$ point to n0.

So, ladies and poverty-stricken proletariats, Sherman Ave is gonna help you out, mostly because you probably won’t take the time to digest our jokes if your ribs are sticking to your vertebrae. And you Wildcats constitute our sole audience members, save lonely randos in crazy remote parts of the world, like Iceland and Buckingham Palace (Wow, how did that happen? #humblebrag), and we’d like you to last until Welcome Week. So without further ado, here are some odds and ends that will sustain your corporate nose-grinding until you look like a fatter Voldemort.

#1 – Fatty spreads

Betches love them, the calories are denser than Paula Deen, and they usually come in neat jars you can use for various liquids* again and again!

(note: this dog does not come with your internship)

#2 – Little Betty Snack Cakes

A lil’ bonus: The druggie names (cosmic brownies) and fun kite shapes will almost trick you into thinking you’re having a real-person summer!

Bonus points: Animal Cruelty

#3 – Industrial-size ice cream buckets

Cheap, caloried. Although this might not be feasible unless your freezer can hold roughly three North Wests back to back.

#4 – Noodles

I refuse to say ramen, because I like to consider myself an original thinker. Plus, Easy Mac can fall into this category too. And dry angel hair, which a lot of people enjoy, okay? A LOT OF PEOPLE.

This baby will be a lot less enthused about the stuff on his face when he has to stuff it down his gullet every day as an unpaid intern.

#5 – End-of-day pastries from Starbuxxx

The sugared debris from a day in YUPsville.

They all make more money than you!

#6 – Coffee

Which is not technically a food, because it has about 4 calories per 8 ounces, but if you drink enough of it food is superfluous!!! Bonus: Unlike benefits or retirement plans, coffee is freely available at most American workplaces.

I promise, I am NOT obsessed with baths. Or bathsalts. Or am i?

#7 – Chipotle steak burritos

On second thought, these are a little too expensive. Best utilized if you can convince your boss to buy you some for Intern Appreciation Day. Oh wait, that shit DOESN’T EXIST!

*Your park bench neighbor’s liquor, your own tears. Numbers 1 and 3, liquified.

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