Cheer Bear of the “Care Bears” On The Loose After Vicious Rampage At Gay Pride Parade Over Rainbow Insignia

2 Jul

Killing machine.

CHICAGO – Sunday’s Gay Pride Parade took a colorfully deadly turn as Cheer Bear was on the rampage following a freakout over her famous Rainbow insignia. The incident took place immediately after the Puerto Rican Jewish Baptists Transgender float passed Belmont and Halsted in one of the peaks of the parade.

“Suddenly there was this pink blur in the middle of the street,” said Pride performer Julius McQueensta The Precious III, “And then we all saw this bear ripping down the floats and all of the rainbow flags. I thought it was part of the act until I noticed she was too fierce to not have any body glitter on her.”

Cheer Bear was reported as stable the morning of the attack. Friends say she was confused by the rainbow imagery, and initially excited that there was a parade dedicated to her. Upon finding out about the LGBT community using the rainbows as part of the Pride Festival, her behavior became erratic.

The fluffy, cuddly-wuddly Cheer Bear tore Mastercard’s Pride banner to shreds while biting the wrists off anyone displaying a rainbow wristband. Luckily, the Ninja Lebanese Blind Drag Queens float and the Gay Men Alliance for French Kissing, Yodeling, and Radioactive Weaponry came together to fight off the beast. Crowds were able to evacuate the scene as Cheer Bear used her powers of shooting magical rainbows out of her belly to set fire to Spin Nightclub. Witnesses said that they were horrified by the carnage but respected the irony.

Cheer Bear’s whereabouts have not been located since. Supreme Court Judge Anthony Scalia is said to be working on liberating what he called “that lovable snuggly-wuggly queenbasher of a bear.”

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