50 Shades of Red, White and Blue, Chapter 2: The Boston Tea Pahty (By Samuel Adams)

4 Jul

It was the night of the 16th, Decembah of 1773. The tea ship Dahtmouth had arrived in Boston Hahbah, but had yet to unlahd and pay its duties. We was all in one wicked pissah of a mood. It was like da Broons had just lahst the Cup or something.

Hahaha, duty.

So anyways, Guvna Hutchison was a total dick of a chowdahead, and wudn’t let us send the fukin’ ship and tea back to Englahnd, which was total frickin’ gahbidge. So me and about foddy friends of mine from my Hahvid days who called ahselves the Sons of Liberty decide to have us a meeting. And wouldn’t you know it, 7,000 Bahstonians show up wicked pissed about the whole thing. Despite not having one lettah ‘r’ between us, we all come up with a wicked killah wahld class idea.

“Let’s go dump all the tea in the ocean,” said John Hancock, ever the chahming son of a bitch. “That’ll show the bastahds how repressive taxation without representation is.”

“Good idea,” chipped in Benjamin Rush as he surreptitiously shot-up Turkish opium. “But because of the illegal nature of the protest, we should probably disguise ourselves. How about we dress up as Mohawk warriors, to convey our deep respect for the tribe and pay homage to our native brethren?”

We all laughed our frickin’ heads off at that one.

“Let the tea fall down, and ignite the Intolerable Acts” – Jewel

Then Paul Reveah just hahd to intahject. “I don’t know, guys. That idea seems to breed insensitivity and misunderstanding about native peoples. There has to be a less demeaning form of racial imagery we can use. Or at least get some tribal buy-in before we take the Indian’s image, just like every frickin’ other thing we took from them. I mean, do we really want racism and ignorance to be at the root of our nation’s fou–”

“Give me ethnic stereotyping, or give me death!” cut in Patrick Henry. “I dream of the day where the citizens of my great state of Virginia will cheer for a football team united by an anthropomorphic racial epithet!!!”

So we booked off to the ship, and had a wicked pissah of a time, being all racial-essentiahlist and shit. And man did we pahk that tea in the ocean.

For Chapter 1, click here.

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