OkCupid Profile: Thomas Jefferson

4 Jul

Gender: I am male

Orientation: I am straight

Status: I am married, but seeking every piece of tail I can get some action on the side.

Birthdate: April 13, 1743. I am old, but experienced 😉

Your location: Second Continental Congress, Philadelphia.

Upload a photo of yourself! 

I’ll show you something self-evident.  And yes, the carpet matches the drapes.

My self-summary
Have you seriously never heard of Wikipedia?

My details
Ethnicity: White. This means I am created equal to other rich men!
Smokes: Hell yes!
Drinks: Bourbon.
Drugs: When in France 😉
Religion: Christian Deist
Education: College of William and Mary, Class of 1762. Sigma Nu brother, BA in mathematics, metaphysics, and philosophy.
Job: Delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, Tobacco planter, and freelance writer/declarer
Offspring: Let’s keep that one on the down-low, shall we?
Speaks: English, French, Greek, and Latin

What I’m doing with my life…
You know, just low-key dissolving the political bands of tyrannic monarchy and affirming certain unalienable rights, like the rights to life, to liberty, and to party like it’s 1763.

I’m really good at…
Writing inspiring prose viz a viz the equality of mankind.

I’m not so good at…
Living up to my rhetoric.

The first thing people usually notice about me…
I’m kind of a nerd. But the fun kind of nerd, not like that crackhead Ben Franklin.

The six things I could never do without…
Oh, easy. Slaves, French whores, tobacco, books, freedom, and more slaves.

I spend a lot of time thinking about…
How much I regret calling dibs on the two dollar bill.

On a typical Friday night I am…
Fathering children with my girl Sally in the ultimate paradox of the Revolution’s declaration of liberty.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit…
I might be a little bit gay for Alexander Hamilton.

I’m looking for…
Something fun. For me, I mean. Not for the slave woman of my choice.

Regardless of future plans, what’s more interesting to you right now?
Answer I’ll accept…
This question is…
Explain your answer
Sex. Lots of it. Man how I do love the ladies, or as the French call them, ‘biddies.’ Especially if our passions create a walking example of my own hypocrisy. Oh God just the thought of that makes me so fucking horny.

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