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Scantily-Endowed Student Has Difficulty Dancing to “Bubble Butt”

9 Jul
Usher's her jam.

Usher’s her jam.

PALM BEACH–22-year-old Abby Palumbo is experiencing considerable difficulty dancing to Major Lazer’s recent single “Bubble Butt,” according to witness reports trickling in at 8:00 PM tonight. The beautiful and somewhat gangly Communications major says her awkwardness in executing the song’s demands is directly related to her body type’s incompatibility with the subject matter.

“I can do the ‘turn around’ part,” sighed Palumbo. But everything else…it’s like “My Humps” all over again.  I’ll be at the bar waiting for “Shorty Got Low,” I guess.”

Bystanders at the venue appeared supportive of Palumbo’s endeavors, despite her lack of apparent success.

“It’s really inspiring to watch her try to twerk against all odds,” remarked bystander Lea Robertson. “I got a lot of junk from my momma, so it’s easier for my butt to sorta do its own thing. But it’s so great to watch her give it the ol’ college try even though her momma was a little more frugal in the trunk department.”

Although this reporter attempted to interview a male bystander, she was forced to abandon hope after a man identified only as “Chad” refused to do anything but make overtures to dry-hump her.

According to reports, Palumbo is now attempting to use cleavage as a bargaining chip to make the DJ play Cody Simpson’s “Pretty Brown Eyes.”

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