Zimmerman, after learning he was found guilty by a jury of 250.67 million online peers
CHEVY CHASE, WASHINGTON DC–Sources report 20-year-old Samantha Hastings was visibly disturbed early Sunday morning upon learning that an invidious racial bias permeates throughout the American judicial system.
According to eyewitness reports, the revelation that George Zimmerman–the neighborhood watch volunteer who fatally shot the unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin and ignited a national forum on racial profiling and civil rights–was found not guilty on charges of second-degree murder and manslaughter produced a tumult of shock, disappointment, and anger in Ms. Hastings. Many close friends and relatives noted the Northwestern University biology major’s rapid politicization regarding the pervasive racial discrimination inherent in the legal framework of the United States has occurred even faster than the last time Ms. Hastings learned about the racist underpinnings of much criminal enforcement, after hearing Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” for the first time.
“I looked on my newsfeed after getting home from this fratty bar,” reported Ashley Daniels, Ms. Hastings’ high school friend, “And all of the sudden, there’s Sam, posting about how disgusted and surprised she was that America was racist and shit and had once more failed to live up to its mission and enact justice.”
Ms. Hastings’ AP Gov teacher, Deborah Johnson, also expressed curiosity over Ms. Hastings’ unforeseen interest in unravelling and challenging existing legal institutions. “It really wasn’t until this trial became a frenzied vortex of pop-culture and media saturation that Samantha took notice of the corrosive racial and class bias operating within the confines of the legal system,” said Ms. Johnson. Added Ms. Johnson, “Shit, I guess I probably should have showed my students media coverage of the Rodney King trial instead of just playing West Wing clips all day.”
In a statement delivered from Ms. Hastings’ DC residence, located in an 80% white-populated ward that experienced only 27 drug arrests in 2011 despite housing 13% of DC’s population, Ms. Hastings posted on Facebook, “I am so ashamed to discover today that I live in a place without equality before the law. Wut [sic] is with this nation of RACIST injustice?” Ms. Hastings made no mention of the 1,200 drug arrests in nearby Shaw, Columbia Heights, and Adams Morgan, 81% of which were of black defendants.
Although Ms. Hastings could not be reached for further contact, other Americans have been quick to weigh in on the matter, including That One Guy You’re Still Facebook Friends With From High School, who posted “Reasonable doubt my ass. Steve Nash plays better defense than these lawyers lol,” and O.J. Simpson, who tweeted, “Can I play in the NFL now?”
Sherman Ave 
She is brainwashed.. Justice was served, stand your ground exists for a reason. The law was followed and some ignorant girl got sad. Cry me a river.
Jed… you are just the worst
Zimmerman broke no laws. Educate yourself.