Four Northwestern-Themed Sharknado Sequels That Need To Be Made

19 Jul

Last week, Internet informed me of a great documentary called “Sharknado” about what happens when sharks have sex with tornadoes. Now I think it’s time that we brought the matter a little closer to home and started developing a few Northwestern-themed Sharknado sequels. So yes, I’m looking at you, theater community. Let’s get on this and get these made.

But with sharks.

But with sharks.

  1. Sharknorris: When freshwater sharks begin migrating up the Mississippi and into Lake Michigan, it’s only a matter of time before the Lakefill fountains suck them in and spew them out at Norris University Center at incredibly high speeds. Student group meetings are postponed, guacamole is spilled and entire a cappella groups are gobbled up in Norbucks as violent sharks come crashing through the windows. In one particularly climactic scene, a Dance Marathon co-chair is pitching to a corporation as the attack strikes. “The disease these kids are fighting is literally the scariest thing a person could ever imagine,” he pleads. The next moment, a shark flies through the window and eats him whole. Riveting. This one could even feature that chill Norbucks barista shouting, “I have HAD IT with these motherfucking sharks in this motherfucking outdated student center.”
  2. Techrantula: What do hundreds of engineering students do when an army of five-foot tall tarantulas bursts through the steam tunnels and into Tech? They start designing. It’s a race against time as the man-eating spiders quickly overtake all the LR’s and Ryan Auditorium. Soon it’s down to a few remaining students holed up in the basement working on an automatic crossbow. As the spiders bear down on them, one student steps forward. “Stop!” she shouts as her peers aim the weapon at the horde of tarantulas. “I think… I think it’s Aragog!” She reaches forward and the spiders quickly devour her.

    But with a tsunami.

    But with a tsunami.

  3. Tsherinami: When a group of Geo Hazards students feel a strong tremor in their dorm room, they think nothing of it, knowing from class that once an earthquake begins there’s nothing you can do to survive. Soon, however, a massive tsunami has risen up from the lake and overtaken campus, rushing up Tsheridan Road. As the tsunami races toward Bobb, a gaggle of sorority girls are heading towards Deuce-bound cabs. “My hair took forever to straighten, so it had better not rain,” one says. Immediately, 4o,000 metric tons of water crush her and all her loved ones.
  4. Midtermicane: There’s nothing worse than being stuck in the library during midterms, right? Wrong! Just when one sophomore is ready to call it quits in 4N, a massive storm descends on Evanston, full of high winds, lightning, flooding … and more midterms. The storm starts pouring exams on the library as students struggle to keep their GPAs afloat. As the sophomore climbs up the stacks to escape the rising tide of windblown exams, he finally has time to gasp for air. “I’ve made it,” he thinks. That’s when a window bursts behind him and hundreds of pages of tests blow through and onto him. Shaking, he looks at the midterm he’s buried in. “Orgo?! BUT I’M A POLISCI MAJORRR!!!” he bellows. Then he dies.

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