A Guide to August Blockbusters Based Solely On The Movie Posters

31 Jul

Summer is, by far, the best season for movies.  After all, can you think of a better way to enjoy sunny, beautiful weather than by sitting in a dark room for several hours while watching other people doing things on a giant screen? No, you can’t! Since I live in LA — and thus know more about movies than anybody else in the world — I figured I would save you the trouble of researching what movies you will see this August by providing you with a brief premise for each of the big blockbusters coming soon to a masturbation den theater near you! While I haven’t actually seen any of these movies, I HAVE seen their posters, and so I can totally give a 100% accurate synopsis.

2 GUNS

In this action-packed sequel to GUNS (incidentally titled by a man with severe dyslexia), two men must fend off enemies while, in a freakish weather event, it rains burning money. Also, they live in a society where you can only wear t-shirts that are the opposite color of your pants. Meanwhile, someone watching this scene also notices a helicopter, but cannot see it clearly due to his myopia.

PARANOIA

A sky-scraper-sized man runs away from an exploding city. After this, true to the movies title, the stars of the film just stare judgmentally at the audience for 2 hours, making them extremely self-conscious.

PERCY JACKSON: SEA OF MONSTERS

In this sequel to a movie that everyone totally saw, Princess Zelda reaches critical mass and begins to explode. Meanwhile, Gi from Captain Planet (post-sex change) watches, concerned, from the shore.

YOU’RE NEXT

In this exciting movie, a man discovers a bipedal wolf that has miraculously learned to write (though its handwriting isn’t the best). The wolf kindly asks the man if his home security is up to par. The man decides to photograph his incredible animal, but unfortunately forgets to use flash.

RIDDICK

 

In this Vin Diesel action film, he goes to…you know what?  I think this movie already came out. Twice. So never mind.

THE FAMILY

THE FAMILY is a tragic family drama in which an unfortunate and unexplainable painting accident leaves an upper-middle-class family without any pigment. The mother, misunderstanding a certain feminist act of protest, attempts to burn her bra while still wearing it. The daughter laments her diminished chances of making the high school tennis team, while the son discovers that his baseball bat has mysteriously shrunk. Meanwhile, the father plans to shoot them all with a shotgun.

…This seems like a very strange movie.

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