Why Northwestern Should’ve Been Named America’s Top Party School

6 Aug

The Princeton Review is out this week with their annual ranking of America’s top party schools, and once again they’ve really fucked this thing up in every way imaginable. IOWA?! IOWA?!?! Come oonnnnnn, that’s like listing Everclear as the #1 party drink. Sure, it has the highest alcohol content, but if your party has only Everclear, everyone dies and/or goes home sad. Just like Iowa.

But where the Princeton Review really missed the mark was in not even putting Northwestern on the list. And the more I think about it, the obviouser more obvious it becomes that NU should be named the top party school in the nation, for the following reasons:

Exhibits A through BJ.

Exhibits A through BJ.

  1. We once had a college bar. And it was great. And there were high schoolers. And so it was slightly less great. Anyway, know this:  heroes get remembered, but TKOE’s never die.
  2. We once put so many red solo cups in a backyard that EMAILS were sent about it. I repeat, EMAILS. If that doesn’t scream “ragefesttttt” then I don’t know what does.
  3. OH WAIT, ACTUALLY I DO. How about pouring so many condoms across Evanston that Loyola professors who pretend they matter our professors are forced to move??
  4. John. Michael. Bailey.
  5. One day a year we take a nice lakeside concert and use it as an excuse to act like we go to West Virginia. It’s fun. We’re fun.
  6. Last year I had a midterm the next day but I went out to a bar (!!) anyway.
  7. According to our own blatantly made-up metrics, Bobb is the top party dorm in America and Ski Trip is the biggest student ski trip in America. You can’t argue with #math.
  8. Ok yeah I’m out.

So as you can see, Princeton Review, NU should have been ranked the top party school in America. In fact, maybe it’s time you review your methodology!! HAhah!! Got em.

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