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Flo Rida and Pitbull’s “Can’t Believe It,” As Narrated by Obi-Wan Kenobi

8 Aug

It was bound to happen. After years of systematically working their way into every song that could possibly be on the radio and simultaneously amassing both millions of haters and many more millions of dollars, rappers/human equivalents of lighting a cigar with a $100-dollar bill Flo Rida and Pitbull have finally teamed up with “Can’t Believe It,” a modern ripoff, err, ode, to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s iconic “Baby Got Back.”

Even leaving out its lyrics (“my last name must be Robin/
‘cause I’m basking in these asses, all thirty flavors keep calling”), the video itself is a shocking, grotesque and apparently completely unironic compilation of ass-people and Flo and Pit being characteristically insufferable; so shocking, in fact, that I am unable to formulate a coherent explanation for it.  Instead, I have no choice but to leave this job to the one man who has witnessed more horrific sights and lived to tell about them: Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi.

May his legendary words be of comfort to you as you embark on the beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy of “Can’t Believe It.”

“I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.”

“I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.”

“That’s no moon.”

“That’s no moon.”

“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.”

“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.”

“Your eyes can deceive you; don’t trust them.”

“Your eyes can deceive you; don’t trust them.”

”If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

”If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

“Who’s the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?”

“Who’s the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?”

“The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded.”

“The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded.”

“You want to go home and rethink your life.”

“You want to go home and rethink your life.”

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