Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Burgwell J. Howard

9 Aug


Background: Originally a solemn drifter making his way across this great nation’s network of railroad lines, Burgwell J. Howard was converted to Assistant Vice President for Student Engagement in Student Affairs at Northwestern University in 2012 after hearing that his roommate and Eskimo Brother Morton Schapiro could hook him up with a real sweet gig for a few months if he needed some beer money. Burgwell, or “Burgie” as his friends and fellow teamsters affectionately call him, is now a beacon for smile aficionados and hosts the annual university-wide diversity listserv email blast.

In fact, Burgie remains close personal friends with acclaimed producer Simon Cowell after he extracted Cowell from a particularly quarrelsome hobo wrestling match somewhere’s south of Tucson. Incredible. It’s not uncommon to find Burgie whistling a sad and lonesome tune while walking off west on Dempster into the sunset.

Position: Assistant Vice President for Student Engagement in Student Affairs at Northwestern University (AVPFSEISAANU); Fiscally conservative, socially liberal, sexually radical.

Primary Responsibilities: Emailing; Determining what a Vice President for Student Engagement in Student Affairs is supposed to do, exactly.

Strengths: Mustache trimming; Tooth brushing; and firing off racism-countering emails at a blazing 265 words per minute.

Weaknesses: A perfectly-aged Bordeaux; Tall red-heads in short mini-skirts who smoke menthol cigarettes and have an extensive knowledge of Bill Withers’ discography; and the open road.

Fun Fact: Still can’t fucking believe he has to deal with blackface incidents in the 21st goddamn century.

The “J” stands for… Juggernaut, a nickname bestowed upon Burgie by co-worker [NAME REDACTED] following a blurry night involving a fifth of Jägermeister, Eagles drummer and lead vocalist Don Henley, a monkey wrench, and three incapacitated Sigma Nu brothers.

Defining NU Moment: One time Charlton Heston punched Burgie in the face. It was awesome.

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