Freshman Attempts One-Month Hibernation Before Wildcat Welcome

26 Aug

Johannson, preparing his natural habitat.

WESTCHESTER, NY–Hoping to fight increasing boredom and decreasing self worth, incoming freshman Eric Johannson attempted to hibernate for one month, planning to wake up in time for Wildcat Welcome Week.

“I heard the dark month–you know, that month after everyone else leaves for school while you’re still stuck at home–is totally killer,” said Johannson, a week before the beginning of his hibernation. “I mean, what are you supposed to do, hang out with your parents? Yeah, ooookay.”

Johannson’s plan as of press time was to drink 7 cups of chamomile tea and meditate for “like two hours, maybe two and a half” before entering hibernation because his “mom read on Pinterest that like drinking a cup of chamomile tea before 5 minutes of meditation is supposed to help you sleep longer.” To him, the amplification seemed logical.

While the hibernation approach seems like an ideal way for many to waste away the dark month, other students have chosen to take more logical approaches, including asking for more hours at work, DIY projects for the dorm room, binge-watching entire series of multiple shows on Netflix, eating, putting on work-out clothes and never working out, binge-Monopolying, watching paint dry, binge-lounging, and posting desperate pleas for plans on multiple social medial platforms.

A mere 14-hours into his master plan, a whopping one hour longer than his usual slumber, Johannson reportedly woke up from his slumber.

“I don’t really know what happened. Does anyone know what I’m supposed to do now? I guess I’ll start Breaking Bad…ugh FUCK.”

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