Northwestern has its signifiers and catchphrases (“Go ‘Cats” “Purple Pride” “Chicago’s Big Ten School” or “The Ivy of the Midwest”) but it’s about time Northwestern had its own solid all-encompassing and honest slogan. I’ve provided a few suggestions.
(When you read this list, say “Northwestern” before you read the slogan. It adds to the experience. Just do it.)
1. Let’s not acknowledge that we know each other!
Hey, isn’t that the guy from my Bio class who I loaned my pen to and then talked about how creepy our TA is and then later had a steamy makeout with at the deuce? He’s walking right towards me down this long, empty stretch of Sheridan Road. Oh, and now he’s taking out his phone and pretending to text. Okay.
2. Four of our buildings are really attractive.
The rest look like every other school was like “Here, we don’t want this building” and just placed their rejects randomly throughout our campus, but you’ll never see those in brochures for prospective students or when Forbes ranks us as the #4 school with the smartest students! Only pictures of University, McTrib, and the Lakefill from 100 different angles! MWAHAHAHAHA.
3. Where it’s always sunny… for ten minutes and then it rains and then it stops raining and is pretty overcast and you wonder if it might rain again but either way it’s just depressing and then it snows and then there’s a flash flood warning.
What jacket am I supposed to wear? WHAT!?
4. It’s not in fucking Boston.
If you don’t know the difference between East and West that’s probably why YOU DON’T GO TO NORTHWESTERN.
5. Under Construction until 20-NEVER.
See those signs every five feet that say “Building a Better Northwestern”? Evidently, we will never see a better Northwestern. Only one that is constantly 95% under construction.
6. 3 Fraternities down, 15 to go.
Then we’re coming for you, sororities. Don’t think you’re safe.
7. I can’t, I have a midterm tomorrow.
… and a paper due Thursday, and two midterms next week and one the week after that and then three the week after that. Then I have finals because I don’t have reading week because I’M NOT IN WEINBERG.
8. The school where Colbert went.
And also Warren Beatty, George R. R. Martin, Seth Meyers, David Schwimmer, Andrew Bird, Rahm Emanuel, Zach Braff, Jerry Springer, John Cameron Mitchell, Charleton Heston, Kristen Schaal, John Paul Stevens, and like a shit ton of other people who are important.
Go Cats. Go U. Purple Pride.