7 Sep

NCAA Football: Northwestern at Syracuse

Dear Syracuse,

Back so soon? Funny, I could have sworn it was just last year that Fitz and the Wildcats came into the Carrier Dome and fucked you silly. I guess there must have been something magical about that hot and sweaty Prose Bowl, because here you are in Evanston, back for more of Northwestern’s 19th-ranked carnal manhood.

Oh wait, I’m sorry, the Syracuse Orange don’t know much about manhood ever since your mutant fruit of a mascot lost his back in 2004, presumably due to a particularly gruesome interaction with Tyler Scott. Personally, I’m just excited to see Treyvon Green and Mike Trumpy peel Otto the Orange a new orifice or five today at Ryan Field as the ‘Cats deliver a punch to the Orange’s non-gender-specific balls. Or I guess you’d call them clementines?

On second thought, the Orange probably don’t have any balls left because Collin Ellis already picked them off and returned them for two touchdowns.

Syracuse, the question isn’t if you’re going to get fucked, because Trevor Siemian is going to ensure that you get reamed like J.A. Adande and Kevin Blackistone teaming up on Bob Costas. The question, rather, is whether Fitz can put up more points than the number of Pulitzers the Medill School of Journalism is currently thrashing Newhouse by.[1]

Prepare to get pounded like Brent Musburger sticking it to Marv Albert. Come Saturday night, Northwestern’s going to be fighting as loudly as Michael Wilbon and as incoherently as Mike Greenberg, not to mention fucking quarterback Drew Allen as if an internship at The Atlantic depends on it.

We know that Doug Marrone departed your mediocre football program in upstate New York for a different mediocre football program in upstate New York, so Scott Shafer better be prepared for Dan Vitale to stick his throbbing member pulp-deep in the Orange and obliterate them worse than the print news industry.

Although to be fair, nothing can truly prepare a coach to sit helplessly on the sideline while Northwestern kicks ass like Ernie Davis demolished racism in The Express, a movie about Syracuse football that consequently #GotFucked in the box office by Beverly Hills Chihuahua. 

Beverly. Hills. Fucking. Chihuahua. All it took was George Lopez voicing what amounts to a medium-sized rat to gather more of this nation’s interest than your goddamn football team. And come tonight, all it will take is one Northwestern football program to ensure the promise of #GetFuckedSyracuse.

Evander Jones

[1] Yes I did end a sentence in a preposition. And no, this sentence was not fact-checked. At least we don’t pretend to be real journalists.

3 Responses to “#GetFuckedSyracuse”

  1. Ryan September 7, 2013 at 2:50 pm #

    These #GetFucked articles can’t help but bring to mind this little classic piece of analysis on football: http://ww2.biol.sc.edu/~jalam/Dundes_Football.pdf


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