Summer is winding down now, and we are all ready to be back at school. For those of us who are just as weird as Lana del Rey and nowhere near as pretty, summertime sadness is some real shit. Everyone seems to fall into a summer category: working a kickass internship at some awesome company; partying like old times with your high school biddies; “studying” abroad or just being a generally wealthy person who gets to “summer” in Athens for funsies; or finally, being forced to remember why you hated your hometown in the first place.
I, unfortunately, fall into the last category. Subheading: bored housewife training.
I have nothing to do all day except go to the salon, get massages, dress my cat in tiny outfits, watch dramatic foreign TV, and drink at all hours. I’ve learned this summer the purpose of getting my expensive NU education–to marry a Kellogg student so that I can live this same life, but in a city, not a podunk suburb. I’m the girl that watches that 30 Rock episode of Liz Lemon accidentally getting involved in a female fight club of bored housewives and thinks “They’re only drinking champagne all day? Gin and tonic please.”
Even though summer is almost over, this last little stretch is the worst, when everyone has been back at school for weeks already. Here are my suggestions for how to survive your break in a suburb that is your living nightmare. And even though summer is almost over, this last little stretch is the worst, when everyone has been back at school for weeks already.
Fifth and a Friend
No matter how much you hate your town, everyone has at least one friend who is either residually a BFF from high school, or someone who is tolerable at least to be with. You two can roll into a house party filled with state school biddies and just turn the fuck up. Bring a fifth, do not share, and go ham until that bottle is drained. This had better be done in less than 45 minutes, especially if your combined weight is more than 200 pounds.
I personally prefer to show up to such house parties with the people who never drank in high school, and who are looking for a quiet and casual night. Then you must proceed to get obliterated and yell about drugs and sex (you’re not in Evanston so scream about blow jobs until your heart is content). If this just isn’t enough for you, follow up with Tour de Franzia between you two. This is best paired with judgmental, sober stares of your peers.
Jimmy John’s bread
For realsies, this is the best deal out there. 54 cents for a WHOLE LOAF of deliciously soft bread.
Fun story: If you have the best package of LifeLock, they will call you to inquire about suspicious activity if you make a credit purchase for 54 cents in Denver signed “Dillon Francis.” They claim that credit hackers make small purchases at first, and if no one notices, they go for the big time scam. It’s fun explaining that you’re simply a drunk heaux.
Pre-Season in Evanston
This is the most valuable advice I have to give, so take this to heart. Make the early pilgrimage to Evanston and predate on the athletes. Football and cheerleading are required to return to campus WAY before school starts, so this is time to fulfill some high school fantasies.
Or, better yet, fuck dem mainstream hoes, and go for the sports like soccer and wrestling. But WHO CARES. ATHLETES EVERYWHERE. I’m not kidding, this is the best way to quench the thirst–by getting to campus before WildCat WelCum and sneaking into athlete parties. You will be guaranteed abs and stamina. And an ego that is indeed as large as it claims to be.