In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!
Packingham: Can we get you anything? Some water? Skol?
Matelski: No, I’m good on that. Thanks.
Twattingworth: Do you think you’d rule the Homecoming Court like LeBron James on the basketball court or John Roberts on the Supreme Court?
Matelski: I would say neither. I would say that I would rule it probably more like Rafael Nadal on a clay court.
Twattingworth: Who would you say has been the biggest influence on your life in the last 14 minutes?
Matelski: Last 14 minutes? I would say (Evander Jones) and his falling down pants. They’ve really inspired me to keep my pants at my waist.
Evander Jones: Your life must be so sad right now.
Twattingworth: What’s your major?
Matelski: My major is biology and Spanish, double major. Pre-med.
Twattingworth: That’s great. Do you have any job prospects from that yet? What’s the average median income in the field? Are a lot of places hiring? Do you know what you’re doing after graduation? Why aren’t you married yet?
Matelski: Well the last question can be brought down to my mother. But aside from that I think that there a few jobs in the doctor field, I’ll probably be making anywhere from minimum wage to maybe $9 an hour. Hopefully that’ll increase at some point in the future if the Democrats win again.
Twattingworth: When was the last time that you stood in the shower listening to Adele and crying for hours on end?
Matelski: I’ve never spent hours in the shower because I’m always afraid that I’ll like swell up and look like a big balloon, like get too much water in my body. And then I won’t be able to get out the shower door and I’ll probably die in there. That’s one of my biggest fears.
Twattingworth: But that’d be a pretty cool way to die. Like a fun story when you’re talking with your friends afterward about how you died.
Matelski: Like when I come back after as a ghost, a big bloated ghost. Yeah. And it’s that and bees, I’m mostly afraid of those two.
Twattingworth: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had two midterms and a paper tomorrow and then an exec meeting until 9 and a dinner date he really CANNOT cancel?
Matelski: How much alcohol does this woodchuck have access to? And does he has access to Woodchuck, the hard cider?
Matelski: Ok, then he’d probably just get trashed and chuck wood till he couldn’t chuck any more.
Twattingworth: If you had to marry, screw, and kill someone on Homecoming Court who would it be?
Matelski: Oh man. Is cloning an option?
Twattingworth: No. You can’t screw yourself.
Matelski: Ok, then I’d probably marry Katie Funderburg. I’d probably screw Demetri, and I’d probably kill Ryan Bernsten.
Twattingworth: That’s fun, but we actually meant like one person. As in, you marry them, screw them and kill them.
Matelski: Oh wow. Well, I’d like to be married to Katie Funderburg, so I’ll say that one.
Twattingworth: She was just in here actually. She did not say you for that one.
Matelski: God, the one-sidedness is killing me.
Twattingworth: What is your favorite movie franchise that made way too many movies? Your options are Rocky, The Fast and the Furious, and The Village.
Matelski: Easily The Fast and The Furious. That scene in the first movie where the car goes under the semi? Chills went down my spine and I was like, “this is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to movies.” And now we’re on number eleven and a half I think. I’m not sure, I’m just guesstimating. Could be 100. But it’s not good anymore, it’s just not good. Last one I saw I think they pulled a bank vault using two Mustang GTO’s and that’s just not possible. It’s not possible.
Twattingworth: What would you say is your favorite Native American tribe? And you can only pick one.
Matelski: Probably gonna have to go with the Souix. Or the Lakota I think is the correct term. I really like them, the way they interact with the buffalo. I think that touching a buffalo in real life would be pretty cool.
Twattingworth: Bison is actually the correct term there, so you were almost politically correct.
Matelski: Well, now I’m a racist.
Twattingworth: On that note, what’s your favorite thing about yourself?
Matelski: My favorite thing about myself? My ability to really not take myself seriously at all, and to have absolutely no dignity. I like to infuse myself into social situations, and really take advantage of opportunities that are out there as well. I know that I’m at rock bottom all the time so I have nowhere to go but up.
Twattingworth: Ok, but what’s your favorite thing about me?
Matelski: Well I like the Northwestern pride, and I really like the flow you have going on right now. It’s nice. I used to have a lot of flow myself, and I’m getting a bit nostalgic for it.
Twattingworth: Okay so I’m just gonna paint a little word picture for you here. It’s Homecoming Weekend. It’s the night of the football game and you show up at Ryan Field ready to go, you’ve pregamed and everything, only to find that there are tens of thousands of Buckeye fans littering our stands. Do you use the threat of legal action to get rid of the assholes? Physical aggression? Emotionally destroy them?
Matelski: Interesting question. Well, first of all, I’m not allowed to pregame that game. But I’ll probably walk in there and at that point I’ll call in the King’s Guard, cause what else am I gonna do with my power besides abuse it?
Evander Jones: With that in mind, how would you use your powers as Homecoming King to resolve the crisis in Syria?
Matelski: I think I’d just start airdropping little pieces of Northwestern swag around the countryside. I think the more purple there is there, the better, so we can inspire them to put aside their differences and root for the Wildcats.
Twattingworth: That will not work. You’re not going to help them at all that way. It will fail.
Matelski: Oh. Ok.
Evander Jones: So you’re DR co-chair for DM. As an expert in the field, are we human or are we dancer?
Matelski: I think that’s a personal decision.
Twattingworth: What else remains on your Northwestern bucket list? Do you have a bucket list? Have you ever vomited in a bucket?
Matelski: No, I’ve actually managed to keep all my vomit in the toilet.
Twattingworth: You think you’re better than me?
Matelski: Not in the larger scheme of things, no. But in that specific instance, perhaps. And I think for my bucket list, graduating with a degree is definitely on there somewhere, that’s still a work in progress. And I think also painting one of the larger boulder objects on the Lakefill.
Twattingworth: What’re your thoughts on updog?
Matelski: Oh man, I thought your stairwell smelled like updog. Turns out it was just wood varnish.
Evander Jones: I think that was just weed.
Twattingworth: Herpes or chlamydia? Choose wisely.
Matelski: Definitely chlamydia, cause the herpes virus will remain with you for life but it is possible to eliminate chlamydia through modern medicine.
Twattingworth: Ok pre-med.
Evander Jones: Speaking of pre-med, which U.S. historical first lady would you like to be your Chem TA?
Matelski: Can I choose first daughters?
Evander Jones: Sure.
Matelski: Then I’ll choose both of the Bush daughters.
Evander Jones: How would you go about seducing them?
Matelski: Would they be raising my grade if I seduced them?
Evander Jones: If you did it well enough.
Matelski: I think I’d take them on a very romantic evening in the city. Maybe start off with a bottle of cheap wine, then maybe four or five more bottles of cheap wine. And then I’d take them somewhere in the city, I wouldn’t really remember most of it, then we’d go home and I think they’d be seduced at that point.
Twattingworth: Which episode of Spongebob would you say had the greatest impact on who you are as a person today?
Matelski: Have you ever seen that really artsy like avant-garde episode where it’s like silent the whole time? Like Spongebob never speaks, he’s just hunting jellyfish? It was a really transforming experience. My mind was going in circles, I didn’t know what to think, I never heard his laugh once during the episode. It was an outstanding comedic film.
Twattingworth: Do you have a favorite bar in Evanston or Chicago?
Matelski: My favorite bar would be the pull-up bar at SPAC.
Twattingworth: FUCK YOU. Also, can you tell us a little about your hometown?
Matelski: Hometown is Grayslake, Illinois. I think a farmer one time just had a bunch of land and everything was gray and there was a lake so he made a town. And he started growing corn. There’s way more corn than people in Grayslake. And that’s really about it, that’s all you can describe about it.
Twattingworth: That sounds terrible and I’m glad you got out of there. Karl Marx once famously said, “Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included.” Discuss.
Matelski: Well the fair sex is obviously women. Us men, we’re animals, we’re beasts. We do too much scratching and grunting to really be considered human beings at all. So I think that social progress can really be measured by the fair sex in that, um, breaking glass ceilings, and something else, and suffrage, and liberation.
Twattingworth: What’s your favorite movie?
Matelski: Ok, there were these two movies from my childhood, entitled Fievel: An American Tail and Fievel Goes West. Directed by Stephen Spielberg and they’re cartoons. Fievel Goes West is the most incredible film I’ve ever seen because it’s the story of these early American Jewish immigrants from Russia and they go to New York City but this is the adventure when they go west and then his sister gets kidnapped by this cat like overlord guy who owns the whore house and his sister’s now a whore and he has to save her and there’s a dog who’s the sheriff and he’s like an old basset hound with droopy eyes and they go and they have adventures and it’s an inspiring tale of how we conquered the frontier of America.
Twattingworth: So it’s a documentary?
Matelski: Yes. It is.
Evander Jones: If you were on MTV’s Made, what would you be made into?
Matelski: A cyborg, just a cyborg with like lasers. A couple buzzsaws that come out of my mouth. Then I could really enforce my powers as Homecoming King.
Twattingworth: Have you ever felt personally victimized by Dr. Patricia Telles-Irvin?
Matelski: No, I don’t think so. I think that as a cyborg wannabe we’ve been victimized as a group by society. And as part of that society, PTI has definitely victimized me by proxy, but not personally.