In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!
Sir Edward Twattingworth III: Would you rule the Homecoming Court like Roberts on the Supreme Court, or LeBron James on the hardwood court?
Roopali Kulkarni: Definitely LeBron, cause he has a lot of swag and I have a lot of swag.
Twattingworth: Who would you say has been the biggest influence on your life in the past 14 minutes?
Roopali: Past 14 minutes? That would probably be my really cute Chem professor. I was just in his office hours and he was explaining to me about lipids.
Twattingworth: Now when you say “really cute” do you mean like “oh my god he’s so dreamy” or like a cute little old man?
Roopali: Think like George Clooney status. Yeah, he’s a little older so it’s slightly inappropriate for me to say that, but I may or may not have written that he has beautiful eyes on an evaluation.
Twattingworth: Exactly how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had two midterms and a paper tomorrow and then an exec meeting until 9 and a dinner date he really CANNOT cancel?
Roopali: Well that sounds pretty much like my life, and I don’t think I chuck any wood, so I’m gonna say none.
Twattingworth: Some people say that Homecoming Court is a popularity contest that doesn’t reflect the Northwestern community. I don’t have a question here, just wanted to inform you that there is dissent among your subjects.
Roopali: [Sounding sad, probably because of the mean things that were just said to her] Oh… Well, I think I’m pretty cool. Hopefully other people do too.
Twattingworth: What’s your major?
Roopali: I’m a psychology major, Latin minor, and I’m pre-dental.
Twattingworth: That’s great. Do you have any job prospects from that yet? What’s the average median income in the field? Are a lot of places hiring? Do you know what you’re doing after graduation? Why aren’t you married yet?
Roopali: You know, my mom asks me that about marriage all the time. She asks me every day why I don’t have a boyfriend.
Twattingworth: Didn’t mean to hit so close to home here.
Roopali: It does, it does. But from the professional perspective, I’m hoping to do research after graduation then apply to dental schools. Average or media income is probably about $200,000, ya know, need that green. So there’s my life plan.
Twattingworth: Where are you from originally?
Roopali: I’m from outside of DC, Northern Virginia. NoVa, represent. But yeah, it’s about 45 minutes from DC.
Twattingworth: Oh, that sounds like a miserable place, I’m glad you got out of there.
Roopali: You know what? It’s beautiful and I love it.
Twattingworth: If you had to marry, screw and kill someone on Homecoming Court, who would it be?
Roopali: Can I be evil and say I’d kill my competition– AKA the girls– and can I be greedy and say I’d screw all the boys cause they’re all really hot? And I’m just gonna throw out marriage cause no one needs to get married right now.
Twattingworth: Great, but you misinterpreted the question. We meant you would marry a person, screw them, and kill them.
Roopali: Oh, all three at once? That might be a challenge.
Twattingworth: Boxers or briefs, which do you wear?
Roopali: Briefs. Yeah, we’ll go with that.
Twattingworth: Can you compare your family to the Bluth family on Arrested Development?
Roopali: Well I’ve only seen a few episodes of it, but I can say that my family is pretty crazy just like they are. Other than that? We’re pretty close-knit, but I don’t think we fight as much as they do.
Twattingworth: Okay so I’m just gonna paint a little word picture for you here. It’s Homecoming Weekend. It’s the night of the football game and you show up at Ryan Field ready to go, only to find that there are tens of thousands of Buckeye fans littering our stands. Do you use the threat of legal action to get rid of the assholes? Physical aggression? Emotionally destroy them?
Roopali: You know, I’m pretty good at this whole emotional distress thing, so I would use my lovely words to get them out of the stands. I think I’m a pretty eloquent speaker, so I would use my royalty power to kick them out.
Twattingworth: What’s the hardest class you’ve ever taken at Northwestern?
Roopali: Oh, that’s an easy one. Organic chemistry. Yeah…
Twattingworth: When was the last time you stood in the shower listening to Adele and crying for hours on end?
Roopali: Oh my god, that happens every day. Adele’s like my favorite singer, I jam to all her songs.
Twattingworth: Cool, I actually heard she’s coming to Dillo!
Roopali: What?! Is that a lie?? You’re lying to me.
Twattingworth: It’s very much a lie. Sorry. That was mean. What’s your favorite movie?
Roopali: Probably She’s The Man. Amanda Bynes is crazy, but it’s an inspirational film.
Twattingworth: Ugh, RIP. We miss her more each passing day. If you’re elected, how will you use your position to limit greenhouse gas emissions?
Roopali: Well, besides purple being my favorite color, green is another one of my favorite colors. So I would use my power to grow beautiful gardens and have people recycle, and just do things that promote being green.
Twattingworth: Do you remember– and this is pretty obscure– but do you remember Do you remember that time a fucksaw was used in a live demonstration at, I think it’s called the Northwestern University Technological Institute? Wasn’t that cool?
Roopali: Ok, so I wasn’t in that class but I’m really sad that I wasn’t in that class.
Twattingworth: Which episode of Spongebob would you say has had the greatest impact on who you are as a person?
Roopali: Honestly, I just like singing “F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me.” So it’s not really an episode, I just love that song. I think that song describes me.
Twattingworth: Can you describe your ideal date?
Roopali: I really wanna say April 25th, just cause it’s a reference to Miss Congeniality. But, putting that aside for a second, if I actually had to choose I would say July 11 cause that’s when I was born.
Twattingworth: What would you say is your favorite thing about yourself?
Roopali: I would say that I don’t take things too seriously but I take them just seriously enough. And I think that’s what I like, that I don’t have to take everything too seriously unless it needs to be.
Twattingworth: To be more specific, what’s your favorite thing about me?
Roopali: I would say right now it’s your eyes, cause I’m getting lost in this pool of brownness.
Twattingworth: Do you have like an eye fetish? Cause now this is your professor and me that you’ve brought it up about.
Roopali: It’s true, it’s true I do really pay attention to eyes. Eyes are the window to the soul.
Twattingworth: I think that’s a Ke$ha quote. So, this IRS scandal is pretty messed up, I don’t know if you’ve paid any attention to that. With that in mind I’d like to ask how you would go about persecuting right-wing groups on campus, and can you guarantee that you wouldn’t get caught like those idiots?
Roopali: I think I’m pretty sneaky, it’s cause I’m really small and fast, so people don’t know where I am and what I’m doing. So I don’t think I’d get caught, but I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I would generally support people in expressing that.
Twattingworth: Aaaaand she pivots back to trying to get elected. Have you ever felt personally victimized by Dr. Patricia Telles-Irvin?
Roopali: I, once again, respect everyone’s opinions and her right to voice them. Some of them she could voice in other ways, speaking as diplomatically as possible. But I have not necessarily felt personally victimized by her.
Twattingworth: As you know, Karl Marx once famously said, “Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included.” Discuss.
Roopali: ….Um. So. Yeah. I believe that here “the fair sex” is meaning females, and we can push social progress by being the less awkward species at Northwestern, and sometimes they have to break out of their shells.
Twattingworth: So, just having more pregames with fraternities and sororities?
Roopali: No, I mean like having the initiative to say hi to people!
Twattingworth: On Sheridan? Nice try, that’s illegal.
Roopali: Right? No awkward eye contact.