Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Will Ritter

22 Sep

In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!

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Evander Jones: Some people say that Homecoming Court is a popularity contest that doesn’t properly reflect the Northwestern community. I don’t have a question here, I just wanted to inform you that there is dissent among your potential subjects. So, herpes or chlamydia? Choose wisely.

Will Ritter: Herpes.

Evander: Why?

Will: It has its ups and its down.

Evander: I like that. Your answer, not herpes. Who would you say has had the biggest influence on your life in the past 14 minutes?

Will: You.

Evander: Thank you. Would you rather rule the Homecoming Court like Roberts on the Supreme Court or LeBron James on the basketball court? 

Will: Probably like LeBron.

Evander: You think you’d be dominant, and get crazy eyes when you’re taking over a Game 6 in the Eastern Conference Finals?

Will: Probably, that’s me.

Evander: This is more of an open-ended question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck has two mid-terms and a paper due tomorrow and an exec meeting until nine, which coincides with a dinner date that he really cannot cancel? 

Will: I guess just enough wood to get through to the next day.

Evander: So if you had to marry, screw, and kill someone on the Homecoming Court, who would it be. 

Will: Oh god. That’s tough. Is everybody else being asked this question?

Evander: Yes.

Will: Are you lying to me?

Evander: No. 

Will: I’ll have to be strategic. Can I come back to you on this one?

Evander: Fine. What does your favorite bar say about you?

Will: It says “never sing karaoke again.” So I guess Lincoln Karaoke isn’t technically my favorite bar.

Evander: Can you compare your family to the Bluth family on Arrested Development?

Will: I haven’t watched it enough to give a proper answer.

Evander: So the Bluth family is just your typical American family. 

Will: Dad’s locked up. Family runs a banana stand.

Evander: So you have actually seen it.

Will: Well, my Dad is locked up. The rest of my family runs a banana stand. So, you know.

Evander: What’s your favorite Sherman Ave article or feature?

Will: [long pause] I really, really liked your open letter to Northwestern when Blackboard was down.

Evander: Thank you. That may have been our most-researched article ever.

Will: And then your follow-up about not wanting to buy Syllabus until Blackboard was back up.

Evander: How many times have you decided not to buy a Syllabus?

Will: Three. It’s not going to happen.

Evander: What else remains on your Northwestern bucket list? 

Will: There are some details I can’t disclose.

Evander: Have you ever vomited in a bucket? Sorry, I know some things can’t be disclosed. Can you describe your ideal date?

Will: Just, kind of, you know, sitting around a reading Sherman Ave articles all day.

Evander: Wait, so do you not want to get laid?

Will: Um…

Evander: I’m going to use words to paint a picture for you here. It’s Homecoming weekend. It’s the night of the football game and you show up at Ryan Field ready to go, only to find out that there are tens of thousands of Ohio State Buckeye fans littering our stands. Do you use the threat of legal action to get rid of the assholes, physical aggression, emotionally destroy them with your words, you know, what’s your plan of action?

Will: I would probably go the emotional route. Just demoralize them. Cripple them from the inside.

Evander: Let’s get to some questions about yourself. You’re a psychology guy, am I right? So Gaurav… what’s up with him? 

Will: That man is an enigma. I mean, I’ve known him for a while now and I’m still trying to get to the bottom of that kid.

Evander: I hope you can find out. You’re the former president of Sig Chi. Thank you for having me here, it’s an honor. I’m just wondering, why didn’t I get an invitation to Arlington Downs? 

Will: That’s a good question. I was actually planning on inviting you, and then… I don’t know. I guess I, um, I really wanted to get a good match. I wanted somebody who I thought could win me some money. Pick some good horses, win a little bit.

Evander: No, that’s cool. I get that all the time. 

Will: I lost six bucks though. I probably should have brought you.

Evander: What’s the ratio of time you spend talking about philanthropy as a Sig Chi member to actually doing philanthropy as a Sig Chi brother? 

Will: Well I was philanthropy chair, so I’m pretty sure it was a bit higher for me.

Evander: You’re drum major for the marching band. How much are you kicking yourself that you didn’t go to that one school from Drumline?

Will: A lot, actually. When I first told my sister that I was going to be drum major, she was like, “Oh, so you’re going to be like Nick Cannon?”

Evander: What do you think you and Nick Cannon have in common?

Will: Mmmmmm, for the first half of the movie he has cornrows. I have cornrows as well.

Evander: I can see that. They’re working well for you right now. Karl Marx once said, “Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included.” Could you discuss that quotation please?

Will: Yeah, for sure, totally true.

Evander: Have you ever felt personally victimized by Patricia Telles-Irvin? 

Will: Never… personally.

Evander: Could you define “Northwestern hot?”

Will: Define it? I don’t know, people always say that there are Northwestern goggles. I’m not so sure, I feel like it’s a lot of hype. The jury’s still out on that one.

Evander: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

Will: [surprised] Oh, that’s sincere. The way I balance the different things I have going on, I suppose.

Evander: Nice. And what’s your favorite thing about me?

Will: The questions that you’re asking me.

Evander: Alright. What was your favorite movie in middle school? 

Will: Middle school…. Probably would have been, Pirates of the Caribbean.

Evander: Pirates of the Caribbean 3?

Will: Yeah, I was anticipating that it would be my favorite movie.

Evander: What are your thoughts on updog?

Will: [shakes head] No.

Evander: So that IRS scandal is pretty messed up, right? With that in mind, I’d like to ask how you’d go about persecuting right-wing organizations if elected Homecoming King?

Will: You’re the worst. How many of these can I say no-comment for?

Evander: Yeah, we can give you a no-comment, but can you at least guarantee that you wouldn’t be so incompetent as to get caught?

Will: Yeah, I can pretty much guarantee that.

Evander: How would you use your position as Homecoming King to resolve the current tensions in Syria?

Will: I’d probably use University money to fly myself out there and sit down with people one-on-one and resolve things. Work out loose conflicts. In sixth grade I was a peer listener, so I think that skill would be useful.

Evander: That does sound helpful. Talk about your favorite Taylor Swift song, and how it represents what you’ve learned in your life about overcoming adversity.

Will: I guess I really like “22,” I’ve overcome a lot of adversity not being able to be 22 yet. It’s really helped me push through and I’m hoping to be 22 really soon and that song has helped me get through to it.

Evander: Now I’d like to give you the set-up for a joke, and I’d like for you to come up with the punch-line. So, two Quakers and Sylvia Plath walk into a bar…

Will: And Sylvia goes, “Quaker? I hardly even know her!”

Evander: We came up with groups of twelve, and we want to see where you think you fit in among those groups of twelve. If the members of the Homecoming Court are the Twelve Days of Christmas, what do you think you would be and what would Roopali be? 

Will: Are there dancers dancing? Because that’s Roopali. And then I’d be the maid a-milking.

Evander: Fitting. If you could be any note in the chromatic scale, which would you choose?

Will: F sharp. I just like to be difficult.

Evander: Can you describe your ideal Dillo Day lineup?

Will: Well, we’ve already had Smashmouth. I was really pushing for Sugar Ray, although I guess I got my fix of them this summer. Pretty much just Sugar Ray all day.

Evander: Just playing their, like, four songs on repeat?

Will: Yeah–

Evander: But this year we had Walk the Moon. I mean, WALK THE MOON!!! 

Will: I’ve never listened to them.

Evander: I don’t think anybody has. Are you an orange glow-stick kind of person, or a pink glow-stick kind of person? 

Will: I don’t know. It depends on if I’m getting crazy, you know? If I’m feeling mellow, then orange glow-stick. If it’s like, a crazy night than it’s pink glow-stick.

Evander: Going back, you said your favorite band was Sugar Ray–

Will: Did I say that?

Evander: Well then who is your favorite band?

Will: That one’s tough. Right now I’d probably say Bon Iver.

Evander: So if you were in a movie and in the movie you were robbing a bank and then fleeing to the Cayman Islands, which Bon Iver song would you want playing in the background?

Will: Beth/Rest? That’s the song I’d want.

Evander: I’ll take your word for it. What’s the hardest class you’ve ever taken at Northwestern?

Will: So far, probably Black-Asian Historical Relations in the U.S. With Professor Sharma.

Evander: If one of the First Ladies could be your psych TA, who would you most want it to be and why?

Will: Laura Bush. That would be fun. Maybe?

Evander: I see that you’re reading Tolstoy over there. When did you decide you were going to be better than everybody else?

Will: I guess when I took Professor Morson‘s Tolstoy class.  

Evander: So as a Psych major, can you hook me up with Renee?

Will: Yeah. I’m actually taking her class this quarter, so I’ll try and make it happen.

Evander: If you could just put in a good word, that would be great. 

Will: I’ll just lie to her in office hours.

Evander: Tell her I’m a fascinating psychological study.

Will: I can see that already.

Evander: So you’re getting married, and your spouse wants to spend a week-long honeymoon in a place without electricity. But the chosen week for your honeymoon is during shark week. How do you respond?

Will: Break off the engagement.

Evander: You know your priorities. Now that we’re coming to a close, I have to ask you: Screw, marry, kill for the Homecoming Court. 

Will: Ah, alright. Can I look at a picture so I can see people? I feel like everybody’s going to come up with really political answers, and I’ll just answer it.

Evander: If you’d like, you can also just make it all one person.

Will: Can I just say all of the above for Ryan Bernsten?

Evander: Absolutely, I think he’d be really into it. So final question, what’s your favorite thing about Northwestern, and why?

Will: I think my favorite thing about Northwestern is the people, the passion that everybody has for so many different things, and the community that you can find with those people.

2 Responses to “Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Will Ritter”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Gaurav Kikani | Sherman Ave - September 23, 2013

    […] I made Will answer […]

  2. Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Tim Smith | Sherman Ave - September 23, 2013

    […] I like Will Ritter. So maybe all three for […]

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