In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!
Twattingworth: Who would you say has been the biggest influence on your life in the last 15 minutes?
Funderburg: I guess I’d have to say my roommate– she’s the last person I saw before I came here. She said “have a good day,” so I hope I’m gonna have a good day because of that.
Twattingworth: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had two midterms and a paper tomorrow then an exec meeting until 9 and a dinner date he really can’t get out of?
Funderburg: Well, it’s really hard to even give a chuck about chucking wood when you have a lot of stuff to do. So I’m gonna guess he’s give no chucks at all.
Twattingworth: Got it, zero chucks given. Do you think you’d rule the Homecoming Court like John Roberts on the Supreme Court or LeBron James on the hardwood court?
Funderburg: Oh man, I don’t watch basketball and I’m not that big on the Supreme Court. I would just hope that I would be able to blend the positives of both of their leadership styles together.
Twattingworth: Someone wants to get elected. Speaking of which, some people say that Homecoming Court is a popularity contest that doesn’t really reflect the Northwestern community. I don’t have a question, I just wanted to let you know that there’s insubordination amongst your subjects.
Funderburg: That’s fine, I can deal with that.
Twattingworth: Would you say that you’re more of an orange glowstick kind of person or a pink glowstick kind of person?
Funderburg: I think I’d have to say orange, because I’m not that big on pink.
Twattingworth: Which of the following is your favorite movie franchise that made way too many movies: Rocky, The Fast and The Furious, or The Village?
Funderburg: …Just the movie The Village?
Twattingworth: IT SHOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED. WHY DID THEY MAKE IT.
Funderburg: Ok, I haven’t seen any of The Fast and The Furious movies, or any of the Rocky movies, but I don’t want to say that The Village is my favorite because reasons that should be apparent. I just have to plead the fifth.
Twattingworth: Speaking of pleading the fifth, the IRS scandal is in the news right now, I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention to that. With that in mind I’d like to ask how you would go about persecuting right-wing groups on campus, and can you guarantee that you wouldn’t be so incompetent as to get caught like they did?
Funderburg: Oh man… I really don’t wanna make any political enemies. Alright. I would do my best to persecute student groups of all political affiliations equally so as not to alienate anyone. I’m trying to get votes here.
Twattingworth: Can you tell me a little bit about your hometown?
Funderburg: Sure, I’m from Springfield, Illinois. I like to describe it as a thriving downstate metropolis. Which of course is not true, it’s pretty regular. It’s kind of like living in Evanston except not adjacent to a real city.
Twattingworth: Well that sounds terrible, I’m glad you got out of there.
Funderburg: It was a good place to grow up.
Twattingworth: This is pretty obscure but just bear with me. Do you remember there was this one time when they like used in a live demonstration this thing called a “fucksaw” I guess? It was up at the Northwestern University Technological Institute. It’s fine if you don’t remember that, but wasn’t that cool?
Funderburg: I actually remember having a fun discussion about that with my dad. That was when we were freshmen right? That was kind of the first that he had heard about Northwestern in the media since I’d gone away to school, so I hope that didn’t get to my grandparents.
Twattingworth: If you had to marry, screw and kill someone on Homecoming Court, who would it be?
Funderburg: I saw that last year in the interviews no one answered this question, so I would prefer a situation in which we all work together in peace and harmony in a commune-like setting.
Twattingworth: So you’re a communist.
Funderburg: Not in a communist way! Not in a polygamist way either.
Twattingworth: Great, a polygamist communist.
Funderburg: That’s me.
Twattingworth: We actually have a quote here from your lord and savior. Karl Marx once said, “Social progress can be measured exactly by social position of the fairer sex, the ugly ones included.” Can you discuss that quote?
Funderburg: I don’t even know what to say about that one. I mean I guess the point there is that if we’re in a position where ladies, who may not be conventionally attractive, are doing well, then society as a whole is doing well. But, I mean… I don’t know. I can’t.
Funderburg: My major is political science and international studies.
Twattingworth: Do you have any job prospects from that yet? What’s the average median income in the field? Are a lot of places hiring? Do you know what you’re doing after graduation? Why aren’t you married yet?
Funderburg: Are you my dad? Let’s see. I have absolutely no job prospects, but I’m going abroad this summer so I’m trying to find internships. I don’t even want to go through the other questions, that’s just gonna be too sad.
Twattingworth: What remains on your Northwestern bucket list? Do you even have a bucket list? Have you ever vomited in that bucket?
Funderburg: I don’t actually have a bucket list, so there’s nothing to vomit into.
Twattingworth: So you just spray everywhere?
Funderburg: Yeah, just with reckless abandon. No, I mean there are things I’ve always wanted to do that I’ve never done but I don’t have them in a formalized list. I guess I’ve always wanted to go to the beach at night which I’ve never done. I never went to The Keg, so that should’ve been on there, but it’s too late now. I also haven’t been to WOB yet. But these aren’t really Northwestern things, just things that I want to do. I want to go on the roof of something.
Twattingworth: When was the last time that you stood in the shower weeping openly and listening to Adele for hours?
Funderburg: Probably January.
Twattingworth: So you’ve had a pretty good couple of months. Good for you!
Funderburg: Yeah, we have like a bathroom radio in my house and sometimes Adele comes on, so that’s hard.
Twattingworth: What’s your favorite movie?
Funderburg: My favorite movie is When Harry Met Sally.
Twattingworth: Oh, so just nothing good has been made in the last 20 years?
Funderburg: Well, I don’t watch a lot of movies and when I do they’re usually really bad. I’m much more a fan of television shows.
Twattingworth: What’s your favorite show?
Funderburg: Right now Arrested Development has been very much on my mind, I don’t know if you’ve watched the new season. I didn’t love the new season that much, but I still appreciate being able to see the characters that I love so much, like Lucille. So that’s probably my favorite show. I also really liked The Office, which ended, but not so much the later seasons.
Twattingworth: Would you able to compare your family to the Bluth family for us?
Funderburg: My mother has never seen Arrested Development, so she might not understand this. But I think my mother would be what Lucille Bluth would be like if she were sober. As in, she’s just not a very warm and fuzzy person.
Twattingworth: But just a little less evil without all the alcohol?
Funderburg: Yeah, much less evil. I also have a variety of siblings, they’re all bizarre.
Twattingworth: One without a hand?
Funderburg: No but I can make that happen, we’ll see over the summer.
Twattingworth: Okay so I’m just gonna paint a little word picture for you here. It’s Homecoming Weekend. It’s the night of the football game and you show up at Ryan Field ready to go, only to find that there are tens of thousands of Buckeye fans littering our stands. Do you use the threat of legal action to get rid of the assholes? Physical aggression? Emotionally destroy them?
Funderburg: Well, I’m not a very physically intimidating person. So I think I’d go with legal intimidation. Both of my aforementioned parents are going to be at homecoming and they’re both attorneys. And my dad has a good mean face.
Twattingworth: Great. How would you use your position, if elected, to limit greenhouse gas emissions?
Funderburg: I think that as Supreme Ruler of Northwestern, I would try to make friends in SEED and other green student groups that exist. And hopefully their knowledge of the issues and my, uh…
Twattingworth: Absolute power?
Funderburg: Yeah, with both of those we’d be able to make that happen.
Twattingworth: Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Funderburg: I actually own a lot of boxers, I used to exclusively wear them as pajama pants.
Twattingworth: Do you have any thoughts on updog?
Funderburg: … I’m supposed to say like “what’s updog?” right?
Twattingworth: HA! GOT YOU!! You fell for that one. Moving on, what’s your favorite thing about yourself?
Funderburg: I personally think that I’m really funny. Most other people don’t think that but I do. So that’s probably my favorite thing about myself.
Twattingworth: Great, and to just get a little more specific: what’s your favorite thing about me?
Funderburg: Hmm, well in the short period of time that I’ve known you, you’ve been a pretty good conversationalist, so I appreciate that.
Twattingworth: Yeah, I’m great. On that note, would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Twattingworth: Would you run away and never look back?
Funderburg: Probably not.
Twattingworth: That’s fair. Can you describe your ideal date?
Funderburg: I’m just thinking of that quote from Miss Congeniality.
Twattingworth: April 23rd? Not too hot, not too cold?
Funderburg: Yeah, just wear a light jacket.
Twattingworth: I know you said you haven’t been to WOB or The Keg, but do you have a favorite bar in Evanston or Chicago?
Funderburg: Well I just turned 21 in March, so my knowledge of the bar scene is not great. It probably should be better since that’s two months ago. But, I don’t know. I guess I think of it more as a restaurant than a bar since there’s great food there, but I really love Bat17. And I have ordered beer there so I think that counts.
Twattingworth: A whole beer??
Funderburg: A whole beer! One beer.
Twattingworth: Here’s a fun one– herpes or chlamydia? And choose wisely cause that shit’ll stick with you.
Funderburg: [pained, tense silence punctuated by nervous laughter and open contempt]… Oh man. I mean. I guess… I guess I’ll go with oral herpes. Cause that’s just cold sores, which is a lot more socially acceptable.
Twattingworth: What’s your favorite Native American tribe?
Funderburg: I definitely don’t have a favorite Native American tribe. I think that’s a weird way to objectify people’s cultures.
Twattingworth: K. What’s the hardest class you’ve ever taken at Northwestern?
Funderburg: Embarrassingly, the hardest class I’ve ever taken at Northwestern was Math 224 my freshman year, which is not a very hard math class. I’m just not very good at math.
Twattingworth: Who’s your favorite band?
Funderburg: I don’t think I really have a favorite band. The way I listen to music is I hear I song I like, and I listen to it ad nauseum until I hate it. So right now the song I’m listening to is Mountain Sound by Of Monsters and Men.
Twattingworth: Which one episode of Spongebob would you say has had the greatest impact on who you are as a person today?
Funderburg: I hate to say this but I am actually not a Spongebob fan. I actually can’t think of a Spongebob episode. Is there one where Squidward has a clarinet recital?
Twattingworth: That’s all of them.
Funderburg: Well, I remember one where Squidward has a clarinet recital, so I guess that’s the one that has influenced me the most since it’s the only one I remember.
Twattingworth: Getting back to me, what’s your favorite Sherman Ave article or feature?
Funderburg: I really enjoy ASG-related Sherman Ave articles. I think it’s important to be able to laugh at yourself, and therefore to be able to laugh at the student organizations of which you are a part.
Twattingworth: Have you ever felt personally victimized by Dr. Patricia Telles-Irvin?
Funderburg: I was really hoping you were just gonna say Regina George. But no, I’ve only interacted with Dr. Telles-Irvin once and I did not feel personally victimized, so I think that’s a good thing.